Have many friends do I have?

I didn't join facebook until 2009 so was quite a late starter in the social media world. At first I thought it was because I didn't want to get back in touch with those who were no longer part of my life. Then I thought it was because it wasn't necessary to let people know that my left knee had turned purple because I had walked into a filing cabinet the previous day. Then I worried about my house being burgled if I announced on fb that I was enjoying two weeks in the Maldives and then I worried about strangers looking at photos of my children. When I did eventually sign up it was almost by accident. A parent at work complained that a youth leader had posted something on facebook about a youth event. To find the said comment I had to set up an account and without even knowing it my relationship with facebook began.

So what do I use facebook for? Well, on Sunday it was a great way to connect with one of my oldest and dearest friends. Her daughter was having a tantrum in Westfield and she had posted a photo of it on said website. I was stuck in a traffic jam queuing to get into Westfield, saw the photo, phoned her straight away and we met up for a good catch up.

I also use the said website to connect with friends that I had in my misspent youth. Many a facebook status has been spent reminiscing about Jimmy Saville impressions, bar brawls and camping by the Dead Sea that was part of my year course experience.

The said website also became a way for two of my friends to announce the birth of their children. In fact, when I noticed that one heavily pregnant friend had stopped updating her status regarding her swollen ankles I wondered if she had actually gone into labour. ‘No such luck’ she texted me back, ‘wireless on phone’s not working properly’

Facebook has appealed to my voyeuristic side as well. Why has Benjamin ________ checked into the airport in Vancouver; where is he going? What does Katherine____ mean when she says she is having a bad day? FB is an ideal way to find out what people are up to and how they’re feeling. It enables charities and businesses to spread their message and it is one step to making the world that little bit smaller.

So, the question is; is Facebook harmless? In some senses it absolutely is but I do have one concern and this is something that has been on my mind for a while. To what extent are the friends we are sharing information with, actually our friends? One parent told me a couple of weeks ago that her daughter (who is about to go on Israel tour) now has 1,000 fb friends. That is 1,000 people knowing that she is nervous about her forthcoming drama exam, that she is delighted to be on tour 2 and that she is looking forward to her friend sleepover at the weekend because the said friend’s parents are away. Are these 1,000 friends going to wish her luck and tell her she’s amazing at drama? Are they going to tell her that tour 2 is indeed the tour to be on? Are they going to turn up at the sleepover? Who knows? The parent wasn’t delighted that their child was so popular but was concerned that the 1,000 friends were people she didn’t know and people her daughter barely knew. But although she barely knew them, they knew that she loved listening to glee on Spotify, that she supports spurs (kind of) and that she is a big fan of One Tree Hill. Is this OK?

As a parent of children who have not yet discovered facebook do I become one of those parents who ban their children from it and hope that they don’t then develop this secret life? Do I allow my children to enter the world of social media expecting that they make sensible decisions regarding giving out personal information; Or do I just close my eyes and hope for the best?

I suppose, the facebook issue and friends issue is an issue that should be discussed at ante-natal classes. It is OK to want to punch the child who snatched your child’s favourite toy at the toddler group (as long as you don’t actually do it). It is OK to want to follow your children into school on their first day and ensure that they eat all their lunch without you having to negotiate the nature of desert should they eat all their vegetables. Is it OK to cry when your children go off to camp for the first time (although not in front of them) and it is OK to insist that you know who your children’s friends are. My parents used to insist that they would pick me up rather than let me get a taxi and when I started driving they insisted that I had to call them if I was going to be later than a certain time (obviously the one time I didn’t they were sitting anxiously at the bottom of the stairs obviously wondering what ditch I was lying in!) And although I resented it at the time, in hindsight their behaviour was completely normal and OK.  I will be happy to pick my kids up from a party at midnight because it will mean that I know where they are.

In the world of social media and virtual community, we are more worried about our children than ever. However, that doesn’t mean we have to hark back to the simpler days of when we were young or just pretend that this world that your child is a part of doesn’t exist. What we must do is protect them and urge them to express caution when revealing information about themselves online. But what else should we do? Ensure we do exactly the same.

At the next election I will...

Last Thursday, I didn’t vote. I could wax lyrical about my vote being wasted, about not wanting to vote for the lesser of two evils and about Epping Forest being a safe council, but the truth is that I didn’t vote because I simply couldn’t be bothered. We had it all worked out, the kids were off school as their school had been turned into a polling station so we were going to walk down to the polling station and try to explain to them what all the fuss was about and then vote. However, firstly it rained so we didn’t walk, secondly I worked late and it then took me two hours to get home from work so by the time I got home I was tired and in a bad mood; in short no mood to vote!

Would I have voted if it was a general election? Maybe. Would I have voted if it was a Ken Versus Boris character showdown? Maybe. Obviously I don’t know and only time will tell. But I wasn’t the only one who clearly just didn’t have the interest or passion to vote. Last Thursday’s turnout was the lowest in 12 years, only 33%. How this contrasted to news at the weekend from the French election where just under 80% turned up to vote for either Nicholas Sarkozy or Francois Hollande. It was a two horse race and one that would determine the economic and social direction of the country over the next five years.

So are the French just more passionate about their politics? Are they optimistic? Do they think their world is going to change because they have a new President?  Are they just ever hopeful that their lives will get better? Maybe there are more differences between us and our European partners than we like to think. So where do we go from here? David Cameron and Nick Clegg have declared that they are sorry about the state of our country and they will try harder in future. Ed Milliband on the other hand, and declared victory and that the people have spoken. ‘Really Ed?’ I shouted at the TV on Friday, ‘Do you really think that victory is yours when only a third of people actually voted? Do you really think that the British people have given you a mandate to rule?’ The British people only told you that they couldn’t be bothered and that the vote wasn’t important enough.

So, the question is what will make the vote important enough to make the effort, to interrupt our busy lives and actually get our backsides down to the polling station and cast our votes? One of the great things about the French election was the fact that every vote counted. Every single person who voted actually helped Hollande to victory and Sarkozy to defeat. Every single person went to the ballot box and cast their vote knowing it would be counted. Even those who spoilt their ballot papers to show that no candidate met their requirements still turned up at their polling station. The way that the French felt compelled to participate in their political process is admirable and for the first time, I actually feel we have a great deal to learn from our cousins across the channel.

So where am I going with this? I can only make apologies to Emily Davison and my mother for not voting. I can only promise that I will, in spite of my tiredness and arguments with the north circular that I will vote next time around. But what do I want in return? My list is quite small but important (i think)

I want candidates with creditability. I don’t care if my representatives went to Eton, lives in a Victorian house backing onto Clapham Common, or if their father was a university professor anymore than if their father was a coal miner, they grew up in an estate in Tottenham or they are a single parent. What I want them to be is honest. when they are struggling; I want to know about it. When they are unsure of what to do for the best, I want to know about it. I want my politicians to be normal human beings who laugh and cry when watching TV, who give their kids a happy meal occasionally.

If you can find me this representative... I’ll promise I’ll vote next time!

If I was born 100 years ago in mainland Europe, what type of Jew would I be?

I would be 21 years old when Hitler became Chancellor of Germany, perhaps just graduated from university. I would be deciding on my future career... would I have gone into education? Would I have wanted to change the world and enable young people to add value to their lives through getting good qualifications? Would I have been engaged in a Jewish youth movement? Would I have belonged to Hashomer Hatza’ir, the oldest Jewish youth movement, or perhaps Poalei Zion? Would I have been a Zionist and made plans to emigrate to Palestine?

Would I have gone to synagogue services regularly?  Would they have been orthodox services or progressive services? Would I have lived in a cosmopolitan European city like Berlin, Vienna or Prague? Or would I have lived in a small Jewish community such as Uhrineves in Czechoslovakia or Baranovich in the USSR?

How would have I defined myself? Would being Jewish be important to me or would my nationalist identity come first? Would I have seen myself as a Jewish German or a German Jew? Would I have been nervous about Hitler’s rise to power or dismissed him as a madman? Would I have stayed away from Jewish businesses for fear of implicating myself? Would I have made sure I shopped in ‘Jewish’ stores to give those shopkeepers a much needed boost? Would I have worried when I lost my job teaching in a non Jewish school or been stripped of my gym membership? Would I have been excited about the Olympic Games? Would I have tried to leave Europe in 1938 when it was clear things were not going to get better anytime soon? Would I have been one of the 90,000 Jews arrested and sent to concentration camps during Kristallnacht? Would I have been cheered at the thought of Britain declaring war on Germany? Would I have been proud or embarrassed to wear a yellow star?

Would I be happy to pack my bags and be relocated to a ghetto? A small overcrowded area where deprivation and disease were widespread? Would I have profiteered from ghetto life and smuggled food into the ghetto and resold it an inflated price? Would I have resorted to crime to try to feed my family? Would I have joined the resistance movement? Would I become a member of the Judenrat and collaborate with Nazi officials in the belief it might save me? Would I have been happy to be used as slave labour?

When ordered to relocate to the East would I have just packed my bags? Would I have got on cattle truck happily believing that things couldn’t get worse than the ghetto? Would I have believed the rumours of extermination? Would I have survived up to three days with no food or drink on the way to an unknown destination?  

Would I have been sent to the left or the right? If I was sent to the left, at what point would I realise what was going on? Would it be when I had my head shaved? Would it be when I looked around and realised that most of the people with me were the infirm, elderly or children? Would it be when I saw that the soap was really stone? Would it be the moment the iron doors were closed..?

If I was sent to the right would I have been given a job that would have guaranteed me survival? Would I be a musician? Would I be a maid in Mengele’s household? Would my fingers been suitable to work in an armament factory? Would the Nazi’s be fooled by my poor sowing skills and put me to work fixing Nazi uniforms?

Would I have survived the meagre rations, the typhus and the constant selections? Would I have thrown myself against the electrified barbed wire having lost all hope? Would I still believe in God?

WOULD I SURVIVE?

I don’t know the answer to any of these questions but when I think about the Shoah, I cannot help but think that the 6 million Jews were unlucky enough to be victims of the world they lived in.  Let’s not be victims of the world we live in.

Never again.

This Pesach, I’m setting myself free!

The great thing about Passover for Jews, is that you can be sure on Friday night, Jews all over the world whether, orthodox, progressive or secular will be participating in a Seder to mark the beginning of Pesach and will be retelling the story of the Exodus.

Seder is one of those landmark events that makes us reflect on the year that has past. We remember those who are not with is this Seder, we reflect on how much our children have grown up since last year and we think about how much has changed in our lives since the previous year.

This year I’ve read a great deal about the meaning of the Exodus story and how it’s our moral imperative to include in our Seder the plight of those who are still exploited such as child labourers and women. In decades passed we have been urged to remember Soviet Refuseniks, those suffering in an Apartheid South Africa and this year we have been urged to remember those in Syria who are fighting for their freedom. However, whilst these things will be featuring at our Seder this year, I am calling attention to the newest type of slavery, an affliction that affects us all; the burden of being constantly in contact.

Last week, Rabbi Miriam Berger said in an interview with the Jewish Chronicle that “many of us should put a blackberry or apple on our Seder plate to represent the technology and pace of life which enslaves us today”. Never a truer word said in jest was my response. Having just spent a weekend as an emergency contact with parents whose children were on trips in Amsterdam and Prague I truly felt the burden of responsibility and I felt as if my freedom had been taken away. Not because I was being exploited or taken advantage on but the fact that I had to be on the other end of the phone if I was needed meant that what I did was restricted.

As more of us than ever have Facebook and Twitter accounts, blackberry’s and I-phones the ability to stay in touch is truly amazing. I and others are in contact with people I never would have been in contact with had it not been for modern technology. Births, engagements and career changes have all been announced via Facebook. Opinions and reactions to current events are shared via twitter. PDA’s been that the office is with us wherever we go. Basically, the yoke of technology is strangling us but we are unable to shake it off.

So, what can we do about it? Well this Seder night for a start I am going to ask everyone to turn their phones off. There will be no virtual Seder at our house this year! I am also going to set myself a challenge for Pesach. I am going to celebrate freedom by not checking my email first thing in the morning and last thing at night. If an email is not an emergency I am not going to reply to it on my day off! I am going to turn my phone off when I go to the cinema rather than put it on silent. Why am I doing all this? Because this Pesach, I am setting myself free from the technology that whilst amazing stops me relaxing!

Chag Pesach Sameach- May your retelling of the Exodus story be meaningful and may you always be free!

Shaking up the Seder

Every Seder, before we begin the narrative of the Exodus story, we hear the story of four sons; the wise son, the wicked son, the simple son and the son who is unable to ask. Why do we read about these four sons? As usual different Rabbi’s have different theories on why the four sons are included in the ritual of Seder night. Some suggest that the story shows that it is a parent’s duty to ensure that the Exodus story is transmitted to all. Others state that the story of the four sons was the earliest sign of inclusion within the Jewish community and the Rabbi’s included it in the Haggadah to emphasise the duty of Jews to include all. In recent years there have been to tell the story of the four women in the Exodus story instead of the four sons and there has even been a talk of including a fifth son into the Pesach Story as the Jewish community is more diverse than ever.

However, as with all narratives and interpretations, to avoid becoming irrelevant, religious leaders have to adapt them to suit our increasingly diverse society. This year more families than ever are likely to have a non-Jewish visitor at their Seder. Families are more likely to have members of different religious observance. In fact our Seder table is more diverse than ever and I think the story of the four sons is an ideal way to complement these changes. Maimonides’s teaching that “One must make a change in the Seder (routine) on this night so that the children will take note and ask, and say “How different this night is from all other nights enables us to play with the traditional routine of the Seder. So therefore, in the spirit of change I offer you this alternative!

The Four Jewish Teens  

THE ‘WISE’ TEEN – The super engaged teen.  This teen is involved in Jewish life in every manner possible: an active participant in formal and informal programming.  This teen enthusiastically attends synagogue and youth movement events, works or is training to be a madrich/a, goes to Jewish summer camp and actively seeks out social opportunities with Jewish friends. This teen lives Jewishly not necessarily just in practice but in culture.

THE ‘WICKED’ TEEN – This teen has expressed an explicit desire not to be involved.  They saw their Bar/Bat Mitzvah as a ‘rite of passage’ party, rather than taking on the responsibilities of becoming a Jewish adult. They might go to a Jewish school but that is all being Jewish really is; something they learn about.

THE ‘SIMPLE’ TEEN – The minimally engaged teen.  This teen attends events because his/her parents want them to or their friends do, but they have little interest in what actually goes on there. This teenager does not make a concerted effort to make new Jewish friends. This teen will go to synagogue on High Holy Days or when their parent tells them to but whilst this teen is present; they’re not invested in the experience.

THE TEEN ‘WHO DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO ASK’ – The under-engaged teen.  This teen has had little opportunity to be involved in the Jewish community, and doesn't even know what is there for them.  This teen has disappeared from Jewish life because they are simply unaware of what involvement opportunities were there for them, nor were they encouraged by parents or peers to participate.

Catching Kony

I like many others, have been upset and horrified by the short film titled invisible children. The film for those who haven’t seen it, highlights the plight of Uganda’s child soldiers and the actions of Joseph Kony’s Lord Resistance Army. This group of rebels takes children away from their parents and turns them into soldiers, prostitutes and drug addicts. Their objective is not political but is only to increase a climate of fear and power in the region which it operates. This appalling treatment of children does nothing to help Uganda or its neighbours move away from remaining a third world country.

So what do the film maker’s actually want us to do? They want us to campaign, raise awareness and help bring Kony to the International Criminal Court. However, even with twenty-two million hits on you tube is that any closer to happening? The cynics have come out in droves claiming that only 30% on the charities income goes to African projects and the rest is spent on staff wages and lobbying. The Today programme on BBC Radio four suggested that issues going viral do absolutely nothing to help a cause, and after I watching the video (on Erev Purim), I made Hamentaschen with the kids.

As Jews we have an obligation to “Justice, Justice, you shall pursue” (Deuteronomy 16:20) Does this mean we should join the campaign? Should we be lobbying our politicians to put pressure on Uganda to use more government troops and resources to track Kony down and hand him over to the ICC? Should we be showing this is our assemblies, youth clubs to highlight and educate our youth about other less fortunate than them? Should I be giving my monthly donation of charity to this organisation? Should I be ordering an action pack and car sticker? There are so many things that I could do to raise awareness and to help.

However, do invisible children really need my help? Will sending Kony to The Hague allow Ugandan children to live without fear and hope for a brighter future? Will it solve the huge psychological issues and permanent fracturing of Ugandan society that the LRA have created? Will the LRA cease to exist because of the arrest of one man? We have already seen that the death of Osama Bin Laden has not removed the threat of terrorism so why is the LRA any different?  Perhaps Uganda needs to focus on its other issues and challenge those who are still practicing female circumcision, those who are bystanders to the high rates of physical abuse that takes place at home and at school. What Uganda needs is help is our support in developing its educational programmes and its economic and social infrastructure. What Uganda needs is a change in culture that make child exploitation in any form completely unacceptable. For Uganda to develop as a strong country, its children need to live free from fear of the LRA but also their carers and educators. As Jews we have the obligation to pursue justice. In the case of Uganda, we should pursuing the cause of children throughout the country, not just those affected by the terrible acts of Joseph Kony and his relatively small band of LRA followers. Let’s give Ugandan children the tools to improve their lives and move on from the traumas that their childhood has inflicted upon them. Let’s support them by enabling them to break the cycle of violence that so many of them are part of.  Let’s support them by getting people on the ground to educate them and empower them to change the country which is their own. Maimonides suggests that the best way of giving charity is giving money, a loan, your time or whatever else it takes to enable an individual to be self-reliant. In this manner a gap year student teaching children how to read would have much more of an impact than writing out a cheque, of which a small proportion benefits Ugandan children. While the US government sends troops to Uganda to help track Kony down, is this really going to improve the lives of these children. This video, whilst compelling, raises awareness but the film makers’ job is by no means done. When things go viral, they become yesterday’s news very quickly. How will the team from invisible children turn this film into something meaningful in the long term? 

Purim- Not just for children!

Purim is often seen as the children’s festival. ‘Come to us for a Purim party’, we are told, ‘get your child’s fancy dress costume from this website’, ‘Put fruit in your child’s mishloach manot gift’ and get them to ‘decorate your hamentaschen’. Purim was my favourite festival when I was young. I loved the fancy dress parade, decorating the Mishloach Manot box, being encouraged to shout and scream during assembly and the Megillah reading.  I loved that at my Jewish Day School Purim was a day separate from the rest of the year, we even used to be given orange juice to drink instead of water for school dinners! However, as I’ve got older, I’ve realised that the festival of Purim is for so much more than the kids! It’s also a festival for women as well.

I am blessed to be from a long line of strong women. My maternal Grandmother grew up during the Blitz, was a widow before she was fifty and carried on working up in the city as a legal secretary until she was seventy-six. She was stubborn but strong, amazingly modern yet traditional (she never used the washing machine on Shabbat!) and was a wonderful listener. She always gave me advice but never told me what I should do. My mother too was a strong woman. Having lost her father only a few months before she married, she organised her wedding, stood up to a difficult mother in law, nursed a very sick child, ran a home, held down a full time job, and kept us all moving as a family. My mother and grandmother thankfully, are not isolated cases of women who were strong. There are women throughout history who have found themselves in vulnerable positions because of their gender and sought against all odds to challenge this perception.

In the Book of Esther, the two female protagonists, Vashti and Esther take a stand against this position. Vashti pays a high price for her dignity when she is banished from the palace for refusing to dance at the king’s drinking party. Esther, who is chosen as Vashti’s successor in a beauty pageant, fears for her very life in approaching the king without his express request to see her. In Ancient Shushan, women are expendable, merely objects to entertain or to be admired, and can be disposed of at will. The men of the story worry what might happen if women are given too much free will? Memuchan (who the Talmud claims is actually Haman), one of Ahashverosh officers, warns the king of the dire consequences of Vashti’s rebellion:

Queen Vashti has committed an offense not only against Your Majesty but also against all the officials and against all the peoples in all the provinces of King Ahashverosh. For the queen’s behaviour will make all wives despise their husbands, as they reflect that King Ahashverosh himself ordered Queen Vashti to be brought before him, but she would not come…. If it pleases Your Majesty, let a royal edict be issued by you, and let it be written into the laws of Persia and Media…that Vashti shall never enter the presence of King Ahashverosh…. Then will the judgment executed by Your Majesty resound throughout your realm, vast though it is; and all wives will treat their husbands with respect, high and low alike (Esther 1:16-20).

Memuchan’s anxiety about what would happen if women did not have the proper respect for their husbands seems humorous to us now, but in fact, our world is not so different from the world of Shushan. Discrimination and violence against women are both national and communal problems. Jewish Women’s Aid states that 25% of women will be a victim of domestic abuse in their lifetime. Furthermore they estimate that two women each week are killed by their husbands or partners and that every minute of every day a woman calls the police to report an incident of abuse. With statistics like these, it is important to look at the actions of Esther and Vashti, to understand the world in which they lived and more importantly to understand that some women still live in this kind of environment, an environment where to speak out has a dire consequence. Jewish Women’s Aid and the National End Violence against Women (EVAW) Campaign aim to encourage women to be strong and speak out against this violence and injustice as well as for violence against women to be understood as a cause and consequence of women's inequality.

So whilst I don’t intend to dampen the notion that Purim is a joyful festival that is about the children and a great way to engage your children in being Jewish, it is also about the Vashti’s and Esther’s of the 21^st century who are controlled and live in fear of their partners. So if you do one thing Jewish this Purim that isn’t for your children, think about how you can raise awareness of domestic violence in your community because it is in your community, somewhere.