Tsunami, trekking and text messages

Eight years ago I was lucky enough to be enjoying a holiday of a lifetime in South East Asia. My husband and I had planned the holiday meticulously and it had been over a year in the making. A visit to Hong Kong, Singapore and Borneo were on the cards. Whilst we were there however, the trip of our dreams was a trip that we would remember forever for reasons other than the sights. Eight years ago today something terrible happened that changed areas of South East Asia and the lives of over a million people forever. The day of the Tsunami, we had travelled inland to the heart of the Bornean jungle. We were spending a night in a longhouse followed by a jungle trek (more of a nature walk if I'm truly honest). The weather was appalling and as we kayaked down a river, our guide commented on how the water level was much higher than when he had been there the previous week and there hadn't been so much rain to warrant it. We didn't take much notice of it really and concentrated on not capsizing. Not having any phones or anything other than essentials was bliss and on our return to the coast we mourned our return to civilisation. 
When we arrived at our hotel the mood was sombre and it seemed like there was no one around. We went straight to our room to shower and in the course of reintegrating we turned on our phones. There were 62 text messages waiting for me! Slightly astounded I started to read them
"Please call re earthquake" Dad
"Please call re earthquake and tidal wave" Dad
"Haven't heard from you... Are you ok? Please call or text Dad
"Hi mate, been watching news and hoping your'e both ok" Chris
" News here terrible. Do me a favour and call home" Angela
"Deb- Please call, travel agent and foreign office not telling us anything" Ben
" I'm telling your dad not to worry, but it would help if you could call us' Lauren
And they went on. It wasn't until we turned on CNN that we realised what all the messages were from. Whilst we were trekking in the jungle a massive earthquake and consequent tidal wave had hit South East Asia and had spread as far as Sri Lanka and the Maldives. When we first heard about it ten thousand were estimated to have been killed. Within days, these figures had risen to an astonishing one hundred and twenty five thousand deaths and then to a quarter of a million. These people were not just from Asia but were from the UK, USA, Scandinavia  Australia, Canada and all over the world. People who were backpackers, tourists staying in luxury hotels, waiters, beach hawkers, sailors killed by the biggest natural disaster in history. We stayed in Asia for ten days after the Tsunami. We donated to the Malaysian Relief fund and like everyone else in our resort remained slightly dumbstruck at the results that unfolded.
As each Boxing Day passes, I remember the tsunami that claimed the lives of so many, I remember the panic and relief of my dad when I spoke to him and remember those who never received that phone call. Eight years on, My dad still calls me every day at 8.15pm. Sometimes we speak for under a minute, sometimes we speak for five minutes. The general gist of the conversation (we generally don't have that much news) is are you OK? Are the boys Ok? Good, speak to you tomorrow. Sometimes it drives me crazy because I really don't have anything to tell him! But today of all days I'll be glad to get that call, knowing that for so many, today is the anniversary of the day that the phone call never came.

Seasons greetings and all that Jazz

This is such an interesting and fabulous time of year. The end of what has been an amazing year to live in London, a year where I have finally got rid of nappies from our household, a year when I said goodbye to my trusty golf and got a car where I didn't need to consider the size of the boot, a year where there were more joyful events than sad events, a year where I became closer to forty than thirty and a year where there were no major earth shattering dramas, no hospitals, no heart attacks, no redundancies and no cancer.
But here we are having just celebrated Chanukah and having to deal with the complexities of being a Jewish parent in a secular and Christian world. For me, it's the only time of year where I seriously consider the merits of making Aliyah. 
I grew up in a very anti Christmas household. On Christmas Day, we didn't get dressed, ate cheese on toast for lunch, watch top of the pops and the Christmas BBC afternoon film ( which tended not to be a repeat in those days) When I got married I was introduced to an entirely different Christmas tradition, one that was to close to the bone for me. The family went out for dinner Christmas Eve where they donned party hats, ripped crackers and ate turkey. They hadn't seen each other since Rosh Hashannah so there was a lot to catch up on! It was generally a great night but too Christmassy for me. 
Over the past six years, the tradition has been to go to my dads. My cousins generally come and the kids get presents as my brother is down from the South West and hasn't seen them over Chanukah and my cousins and I and the kids generally swap presents too. We don't call them Christmas presents or Chanukah presents so what are they? We don't have a tree, or decorations or crackers. We don't eat turkey. So are we doing something wrong? To some maybe we are to some we're not. At the end of the day it's a bank holiday so is there a better time to get together and do what Jews do best? ( eat copious amounts)
My views on the festive season are mixed and confused, I like the Pogues, Band Aid and am annoyed by Mariah Carey. I like going to see the Christmas lights on Regent street and think the lights on some of our neighbourhood houses look great. However, I draw the line at decorating my own. It might have been the festival of lights for Jews but my version of that is having our four Chanukiyot lit and placed in the window rather than illuminating the neighbourhood, increasing my electricity bills and my carbon footprint.
As my kids have continued to prosper at school and we have got to know more families we have realised that everyone has their own tradition. Many Jewish families in our area have Christmas trees. Many families get Chanukah and Christmas presents. Many embrace the holiday season in American 'happy holidays style' . That's not for my family. We are British and Jewish and proud of who we are but Christmas is not our festival! We lit the Chanukah candles to recall the story of fighting for religious freedom and as I watch some of my Jewish friends and neighbours celebrate Chanukah and Christmas I am glad that they have the religious freedom to do so. The Maccabees might have considered them Hellenists but I think they are trying to do the best they can in the complexity that is the modern world and there is nothing wrong with that.
I intend to enjoy the holiday season... I want to reflect on the year that's gone and look forward to what is to come. I want to spend time with the three most important people in my life and just enjoy each other. I don't want or need tinsel, crackers or pine needles on the floor of my lounge, I only need more of what 2012 has bought me, good health, happiness and a large slice of religious freedom!

"Chanukah is, the Festival of Lights. Instead of one day of presents we have eight crazy nights" Adam Sandler, the Chanukah Song

Picture this... your kid come home from school and ask you when you are decorating the Christmas tree... or are asking whether Christmas and Chanukah are really that different. They have been writing their list of required gifts for several weeks. You are exhausted! How do you make sure that Chanukah is a week to remember and not eclipsed by the other 'C' festival a week or so later. Here is my guide to making Chanukah meaningful

1. Tell the tale

Do your kids know the story of Chanukah? Invest in a few books for your home. The story is an exciting one for kids, filled with epic battles and despair and hope and a happy ending. Great books to order are Maccabee by Tilda Balsley or All about Hanukkah by Judyth Groner (both available from Amazon). For older children you can use Hanukkah around the world (by Tami Lehman-Wilzig) to highlight different Chanukah traditions celebrated by different Jewish communities.

2. Energy Conservation

The relighting of the menorah by the victorious Maccabees provided the symbol of God’s existence in the Temple. We have an obligation to bring God into our everyday lives by caring for the world that God gave to us. One way to do this is by conserving energy at home. Make a list of eight different ways you can conserve energy at home. Give your kids a colouring sheet of a Chanukiah and each time they conserve energy they can colour in a candle. The goal is for every candle to be completely filled by the end of Chanukah. 

"Christmas brings enormous electric bills.  Candles are used for Hanukkah.  Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.  ~KOACH Humor, "Holiday Distinctions Finally Explained"

3. Make dinner

To remember the miracle of the oil, it’s traditional during Chanukah to eat fried foods. Many Jews fulfil this ritual by making latkes. Recipes are commonplace but the general idea is this: grate some potatoes and an onion. Beat an egg and add to the potato-onion mix. Add salt and pepper to taste, then form into patties. Even the smallest of children can participate by shaping the batter into patties and by adding the seasoning's.

4. Attend communal candle lighting

Many Jewish communities build large outdoor Chanukiah’s to fulfil the ritual that we should light our candles where they can be seen by everybody. Instead of lighting candles in your home, gather with members of the community to light candles together. Contact your nearest synagogue to find out about their communal lighting

5. Think of others

Reinforce the notion that Chanukah is not primarily about receiving gifts by setting aside one night during the holiday not to open any. Shop with your kids for toys they would enjoy, and have them deliver their purchases to a children’s charity. Camp SImcha run a wonderful project in the weeks leading up to Chanukah where you buy  an extra toy that is redistributed to a sick child and their family. (www.campsimcha.org.uk)

6. ‘Dreidal, dreidal, dreidal, I made it out of clay’

A dreidal is a four-sided spinning top with a Hebrew letter on each side. Outside of Israel, the letters stand for the phrase, “A great miracle happened there In Israel, the last word—which means “there”—is replaced with the Hebrew for “here,” Legend has it that the dreidal game was popular when Antiochus ruled. Jewish people, struggling to keep their faith alive, would gather together to study the Torah, which had been outlawed by Antiochus. They would keep the dreidal nearby so that if soldiers appeared, they could hide their books and pretend to play a game. “Dreidal” is derived from the German word “drehen,” or “turn.” The dreidal game is played by giving each player a number of tokens; you can use coins (chocolate or real!), raisins or counters. Before spinning the dreidal, each player puts a fixed number of their portion into the “kupah” or kitty. Each player in turn spins the dreidal. When the dreidal falls, the player acts according to the rules for each letter:

Nun—Do nothing, play proceeds to the next player.

Gimel—Take the whole kitty

Hey- Take half of the kitty

Shin- Put some in; players agree on an amount before the game

Play dreidal as a family and try making up some of your own rules. For example, choose a fact about yourself or a family memory to share for each letter, such as something you like to do, a person you like and why, an animal you like and why, a place you like and why. Or, make up more active rules, such as running once around the table, hopping on one foot, spinning or rubbing your stomach while patting your head. You can raise the stakes as well:  Shin might mean you have to do the washing up, while gimel can mean you get to choose the destination for the next family day out.

7. Embrace diversity.

There is no greater time than while celebrating Chanukah in the midst of the Christmas season to reflect on ‘being a stranger in a strange land’ (Exodus 2.22) about being a ‘stranger in a strange land.’ But there are positive lessons to being part of a minority community. Invite non-Jewish friends or neighbours round for candle lighting one evening and share festive season experiences.

8. Appreciate the season

Try to avoid the stresses of the season: don’t expend too much worry about securing the must-have gifts or dividing equal rations of time amongst all the branches of the family tree. Instead, take a cue from your kids, who surely have been enthused by the joy and general merriment in the air. 

Chanukah, or any Jewish festival for that matter becomes a meaningful experience when you create positive memories and associations with it. Use the next week to create your own traditions and then enjoy a meaningful Chanukah. CHAG SAMEACH

A day that will live in infamy

Today, Thursday November 15^th is a day that the lives of a few in the Middle East have changed forever. They have lost one of the people they have loved most in the world, the person who helped them make sense of the world they live in and the person who taught them right from wrong.

The life of the person left behind will never be the same. Whether they have read the tweets from those comforting them who they have never met and never lived the life that they have or they have read the tweets from those demanding revenge that they have never met and never lived the life that they have, they do not feel any better. Whether they are reassured by their leaders that their person has not died in vain or not, they still don’t feel any better. What they want is their person back, laughing, loving and living with them. That cannot happen. What they want is to share the events of the day and concerns about tomorrow. They cannot do that anymore.

They might listen to the news and realise that their loved one is merely a statistic. They might think of all the others that hear the news and carry on doing whatever it is their doing, whether it’s driving to pick up kids from school, eating dinner or meeting up with friends for a drink and wonder whether anyone even cares that their life will never be the same. Even though others have suffered, they might feel alone.

What side of the border does this person live? Do they live in Kiryat Malachi or do they live in Gaza city? (is there really a difference- the people are living in fear wherever they are) Are they an active part of this increasingly bitter yet futile escalation or merely in the wrong place at the wrong time? The fact is that whatever side they are on they are suffering. No child wants to lose their parent in this way and no parent wants to lose their child ever. Listening to the various media outlets and reading various twitter feeds throughout the day I know that one of the reasons why this conflict has become so polarised is because each side sees the other as being devoid of humanity. A Palestinian clearly doesn’t care about the loss of life and neither do Israeli’s according to much of social media. We read of the political motivation behind this current escalation and wonder whether it is just the governments and extremists that are devoid of humanity rather than the people themselves? Or, we tar all Palestinians and all Israeli’s with the same brush. We ignore the story of Gazan civilians being taken to hospital in Be’er Sheva and threats of incursion and assassination made by an inferior government ministers with virtually no international profile. We ignore the fact that that Hamas were elected by Gazans because we deplore the views and their subsequent crackdown on human rights and political diversity. We ignore the fact rockets have been launched from Gaza consistently over the past several months because it suits us to see Israel as the aggressor. We ignore the fact that some Israeli’s see Gush Katif as an integral part to the biblical homeland because they are Jews.

We ignore lots of facts about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict because it suits us. What we cannot ignore today is the fact that someone in the Middle East lost someone they love today and does not know how life will ever be the same again. If we cannot pray for a realistic and lasting peace, let us at least pray that the bereaved will find a source of comfort in the memories of their loved ones rather than their hatred of the enemy.

Peace between us and between our people              שלום בינינו ובין בני עמנו

Jewish Mums- A reality show for the 21st century?

There are several competitors, each one righteous and courageous in their own ways. Each one has had their faith tested and each one has been faced with difficult decisions.

The first one is Eve. Her and her partner Adam have been thrust together but have created this idyllic paradise in which they live. They are completely comfortable with each other and are happy to be isolated. However, Eve is an impressionable young woman, she is easily led astray by others and  at times seems incapable of making decisions on her own and then taking responsibility for them. Eve has two sons that do not get along, one is jealous of the other and there seems to be an unhealthy amount of resentment between the members of the  household.

The second competitor is called Sara. She is an interesting woman who is one of those 'older' mothers. Basically, she waited so long to have a child that when she finally gave births to a son, she was besotted by him. Her husband has another son from a previous relationship and Sara is anxious that her son maintains his position as the Favourite. If she had it her way her husband would have no contact with his firstborn.

Hagar is our third contestant and this is where our world reveals a web of connections. Hagar is the former partner of Sara's husband. She works tirelessly for her son to maintain a relationship with his father. Sometimes Hagar gets depressed as she fears for her son's future when he clearly lacks a positive male role model. She tries to do the job of two parents but this is sometimes to no avail.

Rebecca is the next candidate. Demure and poised Rebecca seems to be the young woman that others want to be. Kind hearted and with a generous spirit it seems as though Rebecca is wise beyond her years. She married her husband after a whirlwind romance and became pregnant with twins quite quickly. As a mother Rebecca changes somewhat as she cannot help but favour her youngest twin. He is studious and and respectful of her whereas her eldest son is much more of a boyish boy and has a great relationship with his father. Rebecca wants her youngest to be in favour with her husband and will Do whatever it takes for that to happen.

Rachel and Leah are sisters and although they get on we'll they have committed the crime of falling in love with the same man. This man cannot decide between them and although he loves Rachel more he maintains a relationship with Leah. He has over a dozen children with four different partners. He too has his favourites and this leads to untold jealousy and resentment and fighting between the brothers.

These women have a point of view and they stick to it. These women want the best for their children (some of them anyway) and like any Jewish mum will do whatever it takes to help their children progress in life. Although in some cases, their actions to some might be seen as deplorable but are they wicked people? Not really, just a little misunderstood.

In recent weeks many Jewish women across the UK have been both appalled and entertained by channel 4's 'Jewish mum of the year'. I have found it cringeworthy at times and like many others have questioned the wisdom of the Jewish news and the contestants in taking part in a programme that in many cases reinforces stereotypes, shows Judaism as a religion without depth and has taken the most extreme personalities and put them together and waited for the fireworks to begin. ( contrived TV more than reality TV me thinks). However, what the programme has also shown is the strength of Jewish women, regardless of their religious affiliation, their marital status and the number of children they have produced ad most importantly, all are proud of their Jewish roots (otherwise they wouldn't be on the show in the first place.)

Like the book of Genesis that we are currently reading on Shabbat, the show is like a soap opera with a balanced amount of tension, rivalry, laughs and tears. The protagonists might not be the role models that we are looking for in the Jewish community but then again Anat Hoffman, Laura Marks and Elaine Sacks organising a Jewish Care outing to West-cliff might not make compulsive viewing!

A post card from Egypt

We have just returned from twelve days in Sharm-El-Sheikh. It was our first holiday together for nearly eighteen months and the plan was totally Jewish... To eat, drink (diet coke and bottled water), lie  in the sun and be waited on. within 40 minutes of our plane landing in the Sinai wilderness we were checking into the Hilton and being shown to our upgraded suite ( being a relative of Mister Ben in these parts has untold benefits!) and immediately started the holiday process of relaxation.
The next twelve days followed a very similar pattern. Breakfast followed by the morning at the water-slide pool. Lunch followed by a sleep for the boys and an hours quiet reading by the pool a stones throw from our hotel room the afternoon ended with a snorkel in the Red Sea and watching the sun set with apple juice and water in the pool bar. The day ended with dinner followed by ice cream in Soho Square and a visit to the mini disco.
Friends of mine were surprised that we were visiting Egypt. Why are you going to an Arab country even my most liberal friends would ask? "It's about £1500 less than a trip to Eilat and Israel" my husband would grumpily respond. "They hate the Israeli's" people would tell me... "So do the extremists in the UK" was my response. The fact that Israel and Egypt have been living in relative peace my entire lifetime seemed lost on a huge number of people. The fact that the revolution and the moderate violence that took place in Cairo was  practically a day trip away was also lost on people who were warning me to stay away from large crowds.
Throughout our holiday we spoke to a number of holidaymakers who were returning to Sharm for the umpteenth time. Why were they returning agin and again? The service, the friendliness, the reef and the weather all formed part of their answers.
For me, as a person with the tendency to over think and as a lover of people watching and wondering I spent time on the holiday wondering about the people who were at my beck and call. Amongst a huge staff, there were only two Egyptian women. In fact there were relatively few women on show throughout my time in Egypt. as someone for whom gender equality plays an integral part of my work I was concerned about the role of women. what kind of country that professed to be modern would have such a male dominated industry? It actually got me thinking about the economics of Sharm. Tourism and the Suez makes Egypt a comparatively  wealthy country in the Arab world. Over 39% of Egypt's hotels are in Sharm. Over 95% of Sharm tourist workers come from other parts of Egypt. The working conditions at first glance are horrendous. Our waiter started worked at 7am and finished at 10.30pm. He worked everyday for a month and then had ten days off (during which time he returned to Cairo to see his mum!) his pay was about £25 a week (apparently that is much higher than Cairo wages) not including tips and he got board, food and transport to Cairo and back. He firmly  believed that he was one of the lucky ones. Most waiters were young men who considered themselves to be the lucky ones. I was aghast and indignant for a while on their behalf. The loneliness and isolation they must of felt was unthinkable. The long hours and little pay, the shared living quarters screamed exploitation to me and within a few days of the holiday I was determined that this would be my last trip to Egypt. However, less than a week later my views changed as I realised I was thinking about exploitation In the context of my life, not theirs. Whilst I couldn't imagine working thirty days in a row in shifts of approximately fifteen hours for a paltry amount our waiters saw it as an opportunity. The very reason I declared that I would stay away is now the very reason I want to go back. These people were warm and friendly and couldn't do enough for us. My children fell in love with Samy the MaitreD and Adriano our waiter and I think they fell a little a bit in love with our boys. Over twelve days they became part of our Egyptian family and within that we got to experience the warmth, optimism and reality of being an Egyptian. The Egyptian people have been through a lot over the past two years but there was a mood of optimism amongst those that we met. Inordinately proud of who they are and how far they've come. We are often told that we should model exemplary behaviour for those Arab countries embracing change. After two weeks in Egypt I'm not sure we need to.

A musical Utopia

I have always considered myself somewhat musical although the only place that my singing has been good for is the shower and the car. I haven’t picked up an instrument since learning to play Maoz Tsur on the recorder when I was at Primary school and wouldn't exactly say I had ‘the voice’ However, in recent weeks I have been reminded just how much I like music and that I used to spend every spare bit of cash I had on CD’s.

A friend of ours who regularly is in London on business and uses us as his base spent the evening with us several weeks ago. We spent the evening reminiscing about songs from our late teens and university years and singing at the top of our voices. It was the best evening I’ve had in a while (which possibly says more about me than I’d care to admit!)

This Shabbat I am in West Wales. I am currently looking out at the Irish Sea hoping to see an Orca or some sort of wildlife that makes me feel that I am at the edge of the world. There is no phone signal and the only connection with the outside world is wifi in a small office which often has several people sitting in checking and responding to emails. There is something great about being unconnected and as the drama of the London Olympics begins it is quite nice to be far from the maddening crowd.

However, there is something strange going on in this micro community that has been created and that it music. Cantor Zoe Jacobs and the musical maestro that is Josh Nelson are teaching a group of 60 teenagers how to song lead. Their enthusiasm and love for music has affected all of us and will inspire approximately five hundred young people who have chosen to have an RSY-Netzer summer. It has shown me that you don’t have to be musical to be inspired. Music does do wonderful things for people. Whether you are a One Direction or a Beethoven fan, the wonderful things about music is that you get lost in it. It can make you happy, sad, inspired, excited and wistful of the past, present and future. It is a mood changer. A life time of my memories (and yours) is associated with music.

This Shabbat on RSY-Netzer we have created a real moment. An opportunity to use our voices and rhythm to engage and inspire and create moments in the lives of our participants. Josh Nelson sings Dor V’ador, from generation to generation and today I have witnessed the transmitting of Jewish music, its meaning and its memory making.

As Shabbat draws near and the atmosphere on camp starts to change I find myself missing my boys singing Shalom Aleichem. However, as my musical epiphany continues I find my soul warmed at the fact that Shabbat angels are being sung a wonderful welcome all over the place!

The Making of a Mensch

In December 2011, I was privileged to meet Rabbi Phyllis Sommer, one of the Rabbi’s at Temple Am Shalom in Illinois. Rabbi Sommer is one of a relatively small but growing group of US Rabbi’s who are working tirelessly to encourage communities to send their kids to camp during the summer. Many of the things she said in our conversation resonated with me in terms of what I could take back to my community but also what she said about being a parent and how we use our own experiences to make choices for our children in the hope they will do better than we did. What I have learnt since, is that my children live in an entirely different world to me and my husband. The world is smaller and more open than ever and our children live in a society where everything is a race.

This week,  my son came home with his first school report. Now obviously we think our kids are particularly spectacular but it is somewhat of an ego boost when other people comment to that effect regarding your kids. During a week in Tuscany for a family wedding, our relatives, young and old would say to us; “aren’t they good”, “don’t they get on well” with looks of incredulity on their faces because two boisterous boys clearly couldn’t be counted onto behave. But they did. They coped with the late nights, the adult conversations, the hanging around because it took an hour for all the family to get anywhere and we were proud. We congratulated ourselves on having such wonderful children, who miraculously were able to behave in restaurants, be quiet during the chupah and smile when the photographers were taking their one millionth photo.

OJ’s school report seemed to confirm what we already knew; that he was a quiet, good natured boy who acted compassionately and with respect towards his peers and teachers therefore making him popular with everybody. He is a boy who enjoys school, shows commitment to learning and self discipline. This is nothing we don’t already know but to hear it from someone else is mind-blowing. Do I want to shout it from the rooftops I asked my colleague and friend, Rachel the following day? Do I want to be one of those parents who tell everyone, how wonderful and advanced he is at the tender age of 5 (even though as a newborn he had a fairly dodgy start). Do I want to tell my family, my friends and my community that he is the Moses they are looking for? Do I want to become the parent who declared that their child slept through at four weeks, or who sat up at three months and walked at eight? Do I want to be the parent who brags to the point where I put such a tremendous amount of pressure on the child to be perfect that I cause him to rebel? 

As parents living in a competitive, busy and driven world where educational, financial and social success means everything are we damaging our children by singing their praises to the world? Rabbi Sommer told me that her greatest parenting achievement was being told by one of the counsellors (youth leaders) on Camp Osrui[i], that her son was becoming a mensch. As she said it she became emotional and I thought that is all I want my kids to be. Sure, I want OJ to be a rabbi (I think singing the Shema to himself whilst he is on the toilet might be a good sign!) or a doctor (he has diagnosed me with several ailments including a broken leg!) Sure, I want OJ to do well at school and not struggle with algebra, French or Art as I did. However, what do I want most? I want him to be a good person, someone who is happy in their own skin, someone with the confidence to do what is right (even if it is not popular)... in short a mensch! If his school report is anything to go by, he might actually become one.

So how did we react to this school report? After speaking to our parents and deciding to scan it so we could email a copy to OJ’s aunt who is on a ten month honeymoon with her new husband, we gave him a kiss and told him we loved him at that we were proud to be his mum and dad. There were no gifts or expensive gestures. It was business as usual... after all should we reward our lovely boy for being himself or just expect it?

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[i] Osrui is a URJ camp situated in the wilds of Wisconsin, USA. For more information please visit www.osrui.urjcamps.org

“Have you heard the latest about the Cohen Bar-Mitzvah?” I was asked at the school gates this week? “No” was my reply. “They’ve booked JLS to appear” I was told. “They went to a BM in North London and JLS were there so the Cohen’s have decided to have them too.” I didn’t really respond because I didn’t quite know what to say. Obviously I think it is ridiculous and completely excessive to go to such an expense but being a closet JLS fan I suspect that I would have been slightly overwhelmed were I to be at the Cohen’s BM party.

I have been and heard of Bar-Mitzvah parties where there have been captain Jack Sparrow lookalikes, Britain’s got talent finalists, FA cup replica’s in a variety of places from the Natural History Museum, Pinewood Studios and a marquee in the back garden. Each one has had its merits and downfalls. Each one is a great party and I’m sure the Bar-Mitzvah family were very proud. However, I have been wondering in recent months how much of the Bar-Mitzvah is about the ritual or about the party. Nothing has made me think about this more than the watching the film Sixty-Six, Strictly Kosher and the story of Saul (http://www.judithtrust.org.uk/learning-disability-and-mental-ill-health/case-studies/sauls-story/)

Sixty-Six tells the story of a thirteen year old who is not only hoping that his Bar-Mitzvah is going to be a more sprauncy affair than his brothers but also has to deal with what many summer born Jews have had to deal with in the past, that he shares his Bar-Mitzvah with a football match (which in Bernie’s case happens to be the world cup final). On Strictly Kosher we watched Jack Aizenberg celebrate his Bar-Mitzvah at the age of eighty-five. Jack was a survivor of the Shoah and had spent his early teens in Buchenwald concentration camp. Saul is a teenager, born with a genetic disorder that means he has severe language and communication difficulties and learning needs. He is the boy at the centre of the Judith Trust’s inclusion campaign. What have Saul, Bernie and Jack got in common? Their Bar-Mitzvahs’ was a massive deal to them and the people around them just didn’t seem to get it. Saul’s rabbi told him that he couldn’t be Bar-Mitzvah, Jack’s family seemed to be distinctly unimpressed at Jack’s service and Bernie’s family were far too worried about the difficulties of the daily grind to worry about his coming of age.

Bearing all that in mind, are we to blame for the change in the way we approach Bnei-Mitzvah? Is it about finding the right venue, outfit and X-factor reject? Is it about showing your parents and family that you are officially a grown up? Or, is it about showing your community that you too are taking on the responsibility of being a proud and responsible Jew?

After all, it doesn’t say anywhere is Jewish writing that a Bar-Mitzvah is about celebrating the wonderfulness of your child.  In fact in the Talmud and Mishnah the only reference to Bar-Mitzvah (and even that is still tenuous) is that at the age of thirteen a boy must take on the commandments of the torah. The idea of the ceremony itself did not develop until the Middle Ages so the concept of becoming Bnei-Mitzvah is still relatively new! And as for the party, Medieval Rabbi, Jacob Ben Asher says in his compilation of Jewish law that "It is a mitzvah for a person to make a meal on the day his son son becomes Bar-Mitzvah as on the day he enters the wedding canopy" A-ha, so that’s where the Cohen’s got the idea from!

Not having had a Bat-Mitzvah, I cannot tell you what it feels like. But I can tell you that as much as I hear about the fabulous parties held by the families of the ‘park round the corner and pretend we walked’ variety of Jew I also hear about the boy who did a sponsored bike ride for Rabbi’s for Human Rights to commemorate his coming of age. Or the boy who walked across every Bridge in London to raise money for a cancer charity. How about the girl who twinned her bat-mitzvah with a victim of the Shoah and then traced his family so they could share the simcha? Many of our teenagers are making their Bnei-Mitzvah’s meaningful and we need to applaud them for that. Research coming out of the USA suggests that an increasing number of teenagers are trying to make their coming of age meaningful by asking for gifts to be donated to the local children’s hospice, by completing sponsored events and giving 10% of their gifts to charity. It is refreshing to think that our teenagers are happy to show the world that their Bnei-Mitzvah is not just about them but is about the world around us as well. As Jews we are instructed to pursue justice (Deuteronomy 16:18) and many of our teenager’s are using their moment in the spotlight to remind everyone of that. Maybe that is what the Cohen’s should be focusing on rather than the star studded line up of their party!

You choose

My kids have a book called You Choose[1]. The book gives the reader a choice of where they want to go, who their friends and family are, where they want to live and what they want to put in their homes, what food they want to eat, what they want to work as and what they want to do in their spare time, what pets they want and where they want to sleep. The book illustrates to me, the differences between my boys; Sammy chooses to live in the toadstool every time whilst Oliver’ choices vary between the castle, mansion (the house with lots of rooms) and tree house. Sammy always wants to eat Spaghetti Bolognaise whereas Oliver goes for the cake, jelly and ice-cream. Sammy wants a pet unicorn and Oliver in recent weeks has graduated from the dragon to a more practical (and perhaps more realistic) hamster.

In some ways I love and hate the book. I hate the fact that we have to read it practically every day, that Sammy is stubborn about his choices and that Oliver no longer wants a princess as his friend because in his words; “I’m a boy and boys don’t like princesses”. However, what I love about the book far outweighs what I hate. I love the fact that the book has become aspirational to the boys. Both boys want to be a pilot, want to ride in a space rocket and want to score a goal at the world cup. The book allows them to be whatever they want to be and do whatever they want to do. There are no limits.

What would it be like to live a life with no limits? To live in a world where all five year olds were able to travel into space, where all seven year olds could go to Cinderella’s ball, where no teenager suffered from acne or social awkwardness, a world where all A-level students could go to university without worrying about lifelong debt, to be certain of a job upon graduation, to be certain of finding a life partner, of having children easily and bringing them up safely and securely.

If we lived in a world with no limits, would we be any happier? Probably not. Knowing my limits and trying to conquer them makes me happy. I am in control of my own destiny. I know I won’t be living in a toadstool but I am going to do what I can to make myself happy and my life fulfilling.

There are two things that I think is true of everyone. No one is born lucky or unlucky and everyone has a mission in their lives to fulfil.  Of course there are people who have terrible things happen to them and we empathise with them and say they’re unlucky. When my mother died people said how unlucky I was. My attitude was that I was lucky enough to know it was coming and say everything I wanted to say. Not everyone has that opportunity.

Choices, destiny and luck; is there a difference? I believe so. I don’t think luck really exists. We make our own luck, it’s not lucky to be offered a great job, you worked hard for it, it’s not lucky to go on holiday and have great weather, it’s the weather patterns. Our destiny is something that is predetermined, the realisation that our world is greater than just the here and now, it’s the contribution we make to our family, our community and our society. Choices. That we have full ownership of. When we face barriers, it’s our choice about whether to dismantle them or find another route. When we are unhappy, we can choose to bring about a change to that situation which brings about a return to our happiness. When we are told no, we must choose to find out why and use that to move forward. Everyday, we make choices, big ones, small ones, ones which will have no impact on others, ones which will change everything.

Sometimes I wish I was five years old again when the choices amounted to whether to live in a castle or a tree house, whether to have cheese or quorn sandwiches in my packed lunch or what fruit to choose at snack time. Life was definitely simpler then. But the fact is today, even as I enter my mid thirties, I still believe that we have the power to make positive choices about the way we live and learn from the consequences of making the wrong choices. We are in control. I think the biggest weakness and our biggest challenge is not making a choice at all and staying on the fence because we are fearful of the consequence of that choice. No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes and there is nothing weak about making choices. The weakness lies in those who don’t make any choices or those who would rather shout at the world for being unfair, than be proactive about making a choice.

2012 is a year in Britain for being part of history; The Olympics and the Jubilee have made us want to be a part of history. I wonder this year how many of us will be conscious about the choices we make and about writing or rewriting our own history?

---

[1] You Choose, Nick Sharrett, Pippa Goodhart, Random House publishing

Kristallnacht- May 2012

The night of broken glass was the moment in Nazi Germany that changed things for German Jews. Not that thing’s hadn't been bad before; but Kristallnacht showed German Jews that their future in Germany was doomed. The orchestrated violence was sanctioned by the Nazi government openly and without fear of condemnation from its neighbours. In terms of Kristallnacht, the rest they say is history.

Fast forward seventy-four years and what do we see on Wednesday night in Tel-Aviv? The wanton destruction of property, increased talk about foreigners threatening Israel’s social fabric and national security (said by the ‘mainstream’ Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu) and talk of deportations. Deportations. The Jewish world should shudder when hearing the word deportations as seventy years ago the term meant something very different.

So why has this group of nationalist Israeli’s forgotten the very events that led to the establishment of their state?  There are currently approximately 60,000 African refugees living in Israel (About 1% of the population). They are mostly from Sudan and Eritrea and have paid exorbitant amount to be smuggled into Israel; a state that was founded on the premise of being a tolerant and just society. Israel however sees up to 90% them as economic migrants. This is in sharp contrast to the UK where over two thirds of Sudanese and Eritrean migrants are granted refugee status.  Israeli newspapers such as the Jerusalem Post have suggested that the migrants have taken over neighbourhoods and harass women and have shown no willingness to conform to Israeli society. However, history shows that it’s only second generation migrants that really adopt their new country’s culture and values, the first generation are too busy setting everything up to conform. After all how many of our great grandparents spoke anything other than Yiddish?

Israel is not the first country to have issues over immigration. Throughout Europe and the USA immigration issues are often on the agenda and are often used as a cover by extreme groups to gain the respect of the mainstream voter. Is that what has happened in Israel? Has settler leader Baruch Marzel climbed in the anti-immigration bandwagon to deflect attention away from the continued expansion of settlements in the West Bank? Has Likud MK and former IDF spokesperson, Miri Regev, who described illegal immigrants as a "cancer in our society”, done so to try and increase her notoriety and move up the party list? The motive of these politicians to speak in such a pejorative and racial manner does not need to be called into question because there is nothing acceptable about a crowd of people screaming ‘blacks out’. It is not acceptable in any country but especially in Israel, by a people with such a strong history of persecution. Leviticus 19:34 states “The stranger who resides with you shall be to you one of your citizens; you shall love him as yourself, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt” Perhaps this group of protestors need to go back to their bible.

Bar Kochba and the brazen foxes

We currently have a family of foxes living in our back garden. Two adult foxes (who we are presuming are the mum and dad) and six of their cubs are currently living under the decking at the back of our garden. Between 4-7pm everyday they are outside, playing on the trampoline or just lolling about in the late afternoon sunshine. (The irony is that we built the decking so we could take advantage of the late afternoon and evening sunshine so at least someone is getting use out of it!). In the course of the invasion I’ve learnt several things about these urban warriors. Firstly, they aren’t considered pests so the council won’t get rid of them, secondly, for a fox to have six cubs is very rare and thirdly they are the most brazen animal I think I have ever seen. They simply have no fear of us and have been frequently gaining the upper hand in the staring competition that my family engage in every evening. So, I’ve concluded that we just have to accept that they’re there and hope they soon decide that they’ve had enough and move on.

The head of the fox family reminds me of that famous Judean warrior, Shimon Bar Kochba who was a leader of a rebellion in Judaea against the Romans in the second century. He was the commander of a revolt that began when the Emperor Hadrian broke a promise that he would rebuild a temple for Jews on the site of the destroyed second temple. As this promise failed to materialise the remaining Jews in Judaea sought to overthrow the Romans. The rebellion lasted three years and was not a success. Many historians believe that it was this revolt that finally led to the collapse of ancient Israel and the dispersal of Jews into the Diaspora.

In spite of early successes the rebels were defeated by the Romans. The ringleaders were caught and severely punished and surviving Jews sold into slavery and sent to other parts of the Roman Empire. So, why did the rebellion fail? Bar Kochba was referred to by Rabbi Akiva, as the ‘son of a star’[1] and it was thought that Bar Kochba was the messiah. So, what changed?

Jewish sources estimate that Bar Kochba had over 10,000 fighters in his rebel army. He was clearly recognised as a great leader and had the support of learned rabbis as well as all the different factions of Jews that lived at the time. However, The sages believe they lost because they were too arrogant[2]. Having tasted victory they adopted the attitude of, "by my strength and my valour I did this." (Deut. 8:17)

Bar Kochba’s failure was that he started to believe in his own hype. He heard people calling him the Messiah. Certainly, if Rabbi Akiva thought so, then he had the potential to be Israel's Ultimate Leader. He also became corrupted by his power and even beat his uncle, the great Rabbi Elazar HaModai, to death, having accepted false accusations that he was a Roman spy. Because of these faults he began to lose battles and was forced into retreat. Whether you feel that Shimon Bar Kochba is a great leader or not, the evidence that he wanted Jews in Judaea to live independently and practice freely shows that at the beginning he cared about his people and their destiny.

So, back to the fox family currently making the Juggler back garden their home. Mama Fox (at least that’s what I call her) is bar Kochba in a nutshell. Brazen, a great leader (those cubs never step out of line) and is staying her ground. Her followers are inspired by her brazenness, cunningness and rebelliousness. They don’t care about the noise we make, they aren’t bothered by the anti-animal spray. They aren’t bothered that whenever we have visitors to our house between 4-7pm, the boys drag them to the back door to show them our ‘guests’... they have simply decided that they like the look of our place and for the meantime, that’s where they are going to stay. I, on the other hand hope they continue to be like Bar Kochba and start to believe they are invincible. And then I will put my plan of defence into place. (Not that I know what it is yet so any ideas will be gratefully received!)




[1] Bar Kochba's success caused many to believe that he could be the Messiah. He was nicknamed "Bar Kochba" or "Son of Star," an allusion to a verse in the Book of Numbers (24:17): "there shall come a star out of Jacob." This star is understood to refer to the Messiah.


[2] This is mention in a discussion in the Talmud ta’anit 4:5

Have many friends do I have?

I didn't join facebook until 2009 so was quite a late starter in the social media world. At first I thought it was because I didn't want to get back in touch with those who were no longer part of my life. Then I thought it was because it wasn't necessary to let people know that my left knee had turned purple because I had walked into a filing cabinet the previous day. Then I worried about my house being burgled if I announced on fb that I was enjoying two weeks in the Maldives and then I worried about strangers looking at photos of my children. When I did eventually sign up it was almost by accident. A parent at work complained that a youth leader had posted something on facebook about a youth event. To find the said comment I had to set up an account and without even knowing it my relationship with facebook began.

So what do I use facebook for? Well, on Sunday it was a great way to connect with one of my oldest and dearest friends. Her daughter was having a tantrum in Westfield and she had posted a photo of it on said website. I was stuck in a traffic jam queuing to get into Westfield, saw the photo, phoned her straight away and we met up for a good catch up.

I also use the said website to connect with friends that I had in my misspent youth. Many a facebook status has been spent reminiscing about Jimmy Saville impressions, bar brawls and camping by the Dead Sea that was part of my year course experience.

The said website also became a way for two of my friends to announce the birth of their children. In fact, when I noticed that one heavily pregnant friend had stopped updating her status regarding her swollen ankles I wondered if she had actually gone into labour. ‘No such luck’ she texted me back, ‘wireless on phone’s not working properly’

Facebook has appealed to my voyeuristic side as well. Why has Benjamin ________ checked into the airport in Vancouver; where is he going? What does Katherine____ mean when she says she is having a bad day? FB is an ideal way to find out what people are up to and how they’re feeling. It enables charities and businesses to spread their message and it is one step to making the world that little bit smaller.

So, the question is; is Facebook harmless? In some senses it absolutely is but I do have one concern and this is something that has been on my mind for a while. To what extent are the friends we are sharing information with, actually our friends? One parent told me a couple of weeks ago that her daughter (who is about to go on Israel tour) now has 1,000 fb friends. That is 1,000 people knowing that she is nervous about her forthcoming drama exam, that she is delighted to be on tour 2 and that she is looking forward to her friend sleepover at the weekend because the said friend’s parents are away. Are these 1,000 friends going to wish her luck and tell her she’s amazing at drama? Are they going to tell her that tour 2 is indeed the tour to be on? Are they going to turn up at the sleepover? Who knows? The parent wasn’t delighted that their child was so popular but was concerned that the 1,000 friends were people she didn’t know and people her daughter barely knew. But although she barely knew them, they knew that she loved listening to glee on Spotify, that she supports spurs (kind of) and that she is a big fan of One Tree Hill. Is this OK?

As a parent of children who have not yet discovered facebook do I become one of those parents who ban their children from it and hope that they don’t then develop this secret life? Do I allow my children to enter the world of social media expecting that they make sensible decisions regarding giving out personal information; Or do I just close my eyes and hope for the best?

I suppose, the facebook issue and friends issue is an issue that should be discussed at ante-natal classes. It is OK to want to punch the child who snatched your child’s favourite toy at the toddler group (as long as you don’t actually do it). It is OK to want to follow your children into school on their first day and ensure that they eat all their lunch without you having to negotiate the nature of desert should they eat all their vegetables. Is it OK to cry when your children go off to camp for the first time (although not in front of them) and it is OK to insist that you know who your children’s friends are. My parents used to insist that they would pick me up rather than let me get a taxi and when I started driving they insisted that I had to call them if I was going to be later than a certain time (obviously the one time I didn’t they were sitting anxiously at the bottom of the stairs obviously wondering what ditch I was lying in!) And although I resented it at the time, in hindsight their behaviour was completely normal and OK.  I will be happy to pick my kids up from a party at midnight because it will mean that I know where they are.

In the world of social media and virtual community, we are more worried about our children than ever. However, that doesn’t mean we have to hark back to the simpler days of when we were young or just pretend that this world that your child is a part of doesn’t exist. What we must do is protect them and urge them to express caution when revealing information about themselves online. But what else should we do? Ensure we do exactly the same.

At the next election I will...

Last Thursday, I didn’t vote. I could wax lyrical about my vote being wasted, about not wanting to vote for the lesser of two evils and about Epping Forest being a safe council, but the truth is that I didn’t vote because I simply couldn’t be bothered. We had it all worked out, the kids were off school as their school had been turned into a polling station so we were going to walk down to the polling station and try to explain to them what all the fuss was about and then vote. However, firstly it rained so we didn’t walk, secondly I worked late and it then took me two hours to get home from work so by the time I got home I was tired and in a bad mood; in short no mood to vote!

Would I have voted if it was a general election? Maybe. Would I have voted if it was a Ken Versus Boris character showdown? Maybe. Obviously I don’t know and only time will tell. But I wasn’t the only one who clearly just didn’t have the interest or passion to vote. Last Thursday’s turnout was the lowest in 12 years, only 33%. How this contrasted to news at the weekend from the French election where just under 80% turned up to vote for either Nicholas Sarkozy or Francois Hollande. It was a two horse race and one that would determine the economic and social direction of the country over the next five years.

So are the French just more passionate about their politics? Are they optimistic? Do they think their world is going to change because they have a new President?  Are they just ever hopeful that their lives will get better? Maybe there are more differences between us and our European partners than we like to think. So where do we go from here? David Cameron and Nick Clegg have declared that they are sorry about the state of our country and they will try harder in future. Ed Milliband on the other hand, and declared victory and that the people have spoken. ‘Really Ed?’ I shouted at the TV on Friday, ‘Do you really think that victory is yours when only a third of people actually voted? Do you really think that the British people have given you a mandate to rule?’ The British people only told you that they couldn’t be bothered and that the vote wasn’t important enough.

So, the question is what will make the vote important enough to make the effort, to interrupt our busy lives and actually get our backsides down to the polling station and cast our votes? One of the great things about the French election was the fact that every vote counted. Every single person who voted actually helped Hollande to victory and Sarkozy to defeat. Every single person went to the ballot box and cast their vote knowing it would be counted. Even those who spoilt their ballot papers to show that no candidate met their requirements still turned up at their polling station. The way that the French felt compelled to participate in their political process is admirable and for the first time, I actually feel we have a great deal to learn from our cousins across the channel.

So where am I going with this? I can only make apologies to Emily Davison and my mother for not voting. I can only promise that I will, in spite of my tiredness and arguments with the north circular that I will vote next time around. But what do I want in return? My list is quite small but important (i think)

I want candidates with creditability. I don’t care if my representatives went to Eton, lives in a Victorian house backing onto Clapham Common, or if their father was a university professor anymore than if their father was a coal miner, they grew up in an estate in Tottenham or they are a single parent. What I want them to be is honest. when they are struggling; I want to know about it. When they are unsure of what to do for the best, I want to know about it. I want my politicians to be normal human beings who laugh and cry when watching TV, who give their kids a happy meal occasionally.

If you can find me this representative... I’ll promise I’ll vote next time!

If I was born 100 years ago in mainland Europe, what type of Jew would I be?

I would be 21 years old when Hitler became Chancellor of Germany, perhaps just graduated from university. I would be deciding on my future career... would I have gone into education? Would I have wanted to change the world and enable young people to add value to their lives through getting good qualifications? Would I have been engaged in a Jewish youth movement? Would I have belonged to Hashomer Hatza’ir, the oldest Jewish youth movement, or perhaps Poalei Zion? Would I have been a Zionist and made plans to emigrate to Palestine?

Would I have gone to synagogue services regularly?  Would they have been orthodox services or progressive services? Would I have lived in a cosmopolitan European city like Berlin, Vienna or Prague? Or would I have lived in a small Jewish community such as Uhrineves in Czechoslovakia or Baranovich in the USSR?

How would have I defined myself? Would being Jewish be important to me or would my nationalist identity come first? Would I have seen myself as a Jewish German or a German Jew? Would I have been nervous about Hitler’s rise to power or dismissed him as a madman? Would I have stayed away from Jewish businesses for fear of implicating myself? Would I have made sure I shopped in ‘Jewish’ stores to give those shopkeepers a much needed boost? Would I have worried when I lost my job teaching in a non Jewish school or been stripped of my gym membership? Would I have been excited about the Olympic Games? Would I have tried to leave Europe in 1938 when it was clear things were not going to get better anytime soon? Would I have been one of the 90,000 Jews arrested and sent to concentration camps during Kristallnacht? Would I have been cheered at the thought of Britain declaring war on Germany? Would I have been proud or embarrassed to wear a yellow star?

Would I be happy to pack my bags and be relocated to a ghetto? A small overcrowded area where deprivation and disease were widespread? Would I have profiteered from ghetto life and smuggled food into the ghetto and resold it an inflated price? Would I have resorted to crime to try to feed my family? Would I have joined the resistance movement? Would I become a member of the Judenrat and collaborate with Nazi officials in the belief it might save me? Would I have been happy to be used as slave labour?

When ordered to relocate to the East would I have just packed my bags? Would I have got on cattle truck happily believing that things couldn’t get worse than the ghetto? Would I have believed the rumours of extermination? Would I have survived up to three days with no food or drink on the way to an unknown destination?  

Would I have been sent to the left or the right? If I was sent to the left, at what point would I realise what was going on? Would it be when I had my head shaved? Would it be when I looked around and realised that most of the people with me were the infirm, elderly or children? Would it be when I saw that the soap was really stone? Would it be the moment the iron doors were closed..?

If I was sent to the right would I have been given a job that would have guaranteed me survival? Would I be a musician? Would I be a maid in Mengele’s household? Would my fingers been suitable to work in an armament factory? Would the Nazi’s be fooled by my poor sowing skills and put me to work fixing Nazi uniforms?

Would I have survived the meagre rations, the typhus and the constant selections? Would I have thrown myself against the electrified barbed wire having lost all hope? Would I still believe in God?

WOULD I SURVIVE?

I don’t know the answer to any of these questions but when I think about the Shoah, I cannot help but think that the 6 million Jews were unlucky enough to be victims of the world they lived in.  Let’s not be victims of the world we live in.

Never again.

This Pesach, I’m setting myself free!

The great thing about Passover for Jews, is that you can be sure on Friday night, Jews all over the world whether, orthodox, progressive or secular will be participating in a Seder to mark the beginning of Pesach and will be retelling the story of the Exodus.

Seder is one of those landmark events that makes us reflect on the year that has past. We remember those who are not with is this Seder, we reflect on how much our children have grown up since last year and we think about how much has changed in our lives since the previous year.

This year I’ve read a great deal about the meaning of the Exodus story and how it’s our moral imperative to include in our Seder the plight of those who are still exploited such as child labourers and women. In decades passed we have been urged to remember Soviet Refuseniks, those suffering in an Apartheid South Africa and this year we have been urged to remember those in Syria who are fighting for their freedom. However, whilst these things will be featuring at our Seder this year, I am calling attention to the newest type of slavery, an affliction that affects us all; the burden of being constantly in contact.

Last week, Rabbi Miriam Berger said in an interview with the Jewish Chronicle that “many of us should put a blackberry or apple on our Seder plate to represent the technology and pace of life which enslaves us today”. Never a truer word said in jest was my response. Having just spent a weekend as an emergency contact with parents whose children were on trips in Amsterdam and Prague I truly felt the burden of responsibility and I felt as if my freedom had been taken away. Not because I was being exploited or taken advantage on but the fact that I had to be on the other end of the phone if I was needed meant that what I did was restricted.

As more of us than ever have Facebook and Twitter accounts, blackberry’s and I-phones the ability to stay in touch is truly amazing. I and others are in contact with people I never would have been in contact with had it not been for modern technology. Births, engagements and career changes have all been announced via Facebook. Opinions and reactions to current events are shared via twitter. PDA’s been that the office is with us wherever we go. Basically, the yoke of technology is strangling us but we are unable to shake it off.

So, what can we do about it? Well this Seder night for a start I am going to ask everyone to turn their phones off. There will be no virtual Seder at our house this year! I am also going to set myself a challenge for Pesach. I am going to celebrate freedom by not checking my email first thing in the morning and last thing at night. If an email is not an emergency I am not going to reply to it on my day off! I am going to turn my phone off when I go to the cinema rather than put it on silent. Why am I doing all this? Because this Pesach, I am setting myself free from the technology that whilst amazing stops me relaxing!

Chag Pesach Sameach- May your retelling of the Exodus story be meaningful and may you always be free!

Shaking up the Seder

Every Seder, before we begin the narrative of the Exodus story, we hear the story of four sons; the wise son, the wicked son, the simple son and the son who is unable to ask. Why do we read about these four sons? As usual different Rabbi’s have different theories on why the four sons are included in the ritual of Seder night. Some suggest that the story shows that it is a parent’s duty to ensure that the Exodus story is transmitted to all. Others state that the story of the four sons was the earliest sign of inclusion within the Jewish community and the Rabbi’s included it in the Haggadah to emphasise the duty of Jews to include all. In recent years there have been to tell the story of the four women in the Exodus story instead of the four sons and there has even been a talk of including a fifth son into the Pesach Story as the Jewish community is more diverse than ever.

However, as with all narratives and interpretations, to avoid becoming irrelevant, religious leaders have to adapt them to suit our increasingly diverse society. This year more families than ever are likely to have a non-Jewish visitor at their Seder. Families are more likely to have members of different religious observance. In fact our Seder table is more diverse than ever and I think the story of the four sons is an ideal way to complement these changes. Maimonides’s teaching that “One must make a change in the Seder (routine) on this night so that the children will take note and ask, and say “How different this night is from all other nights enables us to play with the traditional routine of the Seder. So therefore, in the spirit of change I offer you this alternative!

The Four Jewish Teens  

THE ‘WISE’ TEEN – The super engaged teen.  This teen is involved in Jewish life in every manner possible: an active participant in formal and informal programming.  This teen enthusiastically attends synagogue and youth movement events, works or is training to be a madrich/a, goes to Jewish summer camp and actively seeks out social opportunities with Jewish friends. This teen lives Jewishly not necessarily just in practice but in culture.

THE ‘WICKED’ TEEN – This teen has expressed an explicit desire not to be involved.  They saw their Bar/Bat Mitzvah as a ‘rite of passage’ party, rather than taking on the responsibilities of becoming a Jewish adult. They might go to a Jewish school but that is all being Jewish really is; something they learn about.

THE ‘SIMPLE’ TEEN – The minimally engaged teen.  This teen attends events because his/her parents want them to or their friends do, but they have little interest in what actually goes on there. This teenager does not make a concerted effort to make new Jewish friends. This teen will go to synagogue on High Holy Days or when their parent tells them to but whilst this teen is present; they’re not invested in the experience.

THE TEEN ‘WHO DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO ASK’ – The under-engaged teen.  This teen has had little opportunity to be involved in the Jewish community, and doesn't even know what is there for them.  This teen has disappeared from Jewish life because they are simply unaware of what involvement opportunities were there for them, nor were they encouraged by parents or peers to participate.

Catching Kony

I like many others, have been upset and horrified by the short film titled invisible children. The film for those who haven’t seen it, highlights the plight of Uganda’s child soldiers and the actions of Joseph Kony’s Lord Resistance Army. This group of rebels takes children away from their parents and turns them into soldiers, prostitutes and drug addicts. Their objective is not political but is only to increase a climate of fear and power in the region which it operates. This appalling treatment of children does nothing to help Uganda or its neighbours move away from remaining a third world country.

So what do the film maker’s actually want us to do? They want us to campaign, raise awareness and help bring Kony to the International Criminal Court. However, even with twenty-two million hits on you tube is that any closer to happening? The cynics have come out in droves claiming that only 30% on the charities income goes to African projects and the rest is spent on staff wages and lobbying. The Today programme on BBC Radio four suggested that issues going viral do absolutely nothing to help a cause, and after I watching the video (on Erev Purim), I made Hamentaschen with the kids.

As Jews we have an obligation to “Justice, Justice, you shall pursue” (Deuteronomy 16:20) Does this mean we should join the campaign? Should we be lobbying our politicians to put pressure on Uganda to use more government troops and resources to track Kony down and hand him over to the ICC? Should we be showing this is our assemblies, youth clubs to highlight and educate our youth about other less fortunate than them? Should I be giving my monthly donation of charity to this organisation? Should I be ordering an action pack and car sticker? There are so many things that I could do to raise awareness and to help.

However, do invisible children really need my help? Will sending Kony to The Hague allow Ugandan children to live without fear and hope for a brighter future? Will it solve the huge psychological issues and permanent fracturing of Ugandan society that the LRA have created? Will the LRA cease to exist because of the arrest of one man? We have already seen that the death of Osama Bin Laden has not removed the threat of terrorism so why is the LRA any different?  Perhaps Uganda needs to focus on its other issues and challenge those who are still practicing female circumcision, those who are bystanders to the high rates of physical abuse that takes place at home and at school. What Uganda needs is help is our support in developing its educational programmes and its economic and social infrastructure. What Uganda needs is a change in culture that make child exploitation in any form completely unacceptable. For Uganda to develop as a strong country, its children need to live free from fear of the LRA but also their carers and educators. As Jews we have the obligation to pursue justice. In the case of Uganda, we should pursuing the cause of children throughout the country, not just those affected by the terrible acts of Joseph Kony and his relatively small band of LRA followers. Let’s give Ugandan children the tools to improve their lives and move on from the traumas that their childhood has inflicted upon them. Let’s support them by enabling them to break the cycle of violence that so many of them are part of.  Let’s support them by getting people on the ground to educate them and empower them to change the country which is their own. Maimonides suggests that the best way of giving charity is giving money, a loan, your time or whatever else it takes to enable an individual to be self-reliant. In this manner a gap year student teaching children how to read would have much more of an impact than writing out a cheque, of which a small proportion benefits Ugandan children. While the US government sends troops to Uganda to help track Kony down, is this really going to improve the lives of these children. This video, whilst compelling, raises awareness but the film makers’ job is by no means done. When things go viral, they become yesterday’s news very quickly. How will the team from invisible children turn this film into something meaningful in the long term? 

Purim- Not just for children!

Purim is often seen as the children’s festival. ‘Come to us for a Purim party’, we are told, ‘get your child’s fancy dress costume from this website’, ‘Put fruit in your child’s mishloach manot gift’ and get them to ‘decorate your hamentaschen’. Purim was my favourite festival when I was young. I loved the fancy dress parade, decorating the Mishloach Manot box, being encouraged to shout and scream during assembly and the Megillah reading.  I loved that at my Jewish Day School Purim was a day separate from the rest of the year, we even used to be given orange juice to drink instead of water for school dinners! However, as I’ve got older, I’ve realised that the festival of Purim is for so much more than the kids! It’s also a festival for women as well.

I am blessed to be from a long line of strong women. My maternal Grandmother grew up during the Blitz, was a widow before she was fifty and carried on working up in the city as a legal secretary until she was seventy-six. She was stubborn but strong, amazingly modern yet traditional (she never used the washing machine on Shabbat!) and was a wonderful listener. She always gave me advice but never told me what I should do. My mother too was a strong woman. Having lost her father only a few months before she married, she organised her wedding, stood up to a difficult mother in law, nursed a very sick child, ran a home, held down a full time job, and kept us all moving as a family. My mother and grandmother thankfully, are not isolated cases of women who were strong. There are women throughout history who have found themselves in vulnerable positions because of their gender and sought against all odds to challenge this perception.

In the Book of Esther, the two female protagonists, Vashti and Esther take a stand against this position. Vashti pays a high price for her dignity when she is banished from the palace for refusing to dance at the king’s drinking party. Esther, who is chosen as Vashti’s successor in a beauty pageant, fears for her very life in approaching the king without his express request to see her. In Ancient Shushan, women are expendable, merely objects to entertain or to be admired, and can be disposed of at will. The men of the story worry what might happen if women are given too much free will? Memuchan (who the Talmud claims is actually Haman), one of Ahashverosh officers, warns the king of the dire consequences of Vashti’s rebellion:

Queen Vashti has committed an offense not only against Your Majesty but also against all the officials and against all the peoples in all the provinces of King Ahashverosh. For the queen’s behaviour will make all wives despise their husbands, as they reflect that King Ahashverosh himself ordered Queen Vashti to be brought before him, but she would not come…. If it pleases Your Majesty, let a royal edict be issued by you, and let it be written into the laws of Persia and Media…that Vashti shall never enter the presence of King Ahashverosh…. Then will the judgment executed by Your Majesty resound throughout your realm, vast though it is; and all wives will treat their husbands with respect, high and low alike (Esther 1:16-20).

Memuchan’s anxiety about what would happen if women did not have the proper respect for their husbands seems humorous to us now, but in fact, our world is not so different from the world of Shushan. Discrimination and violence against women are both national and communal problems. Jewish Women’s Aid states that 25% of women will be a victim of domestic abuse in their lifetime. Furthermore they estimate that two women each week are killed by their husbands or partners and that every minute of every day a woman calls the police to report an incident of abuse. With statistics like these, it is important to look at the actions of Esther and Vashti, to understand the world in which they lived and more importantly to understand that some women still live in this kind of environment, an environment where to speak out has a dire consequence. Jewish Women’s Aid and the National End Violence against Women (EVAW) Campaign aim to encourage women to be strong and speak out against this violence and injustice as well as for violence against women to be understood as a cause and consequence of women's inequality.

So whilst I don’t intend to dampen the notion that Purim is a joyful festival that is about the children and a great way to engage your children in being Jewish, it is also about the Vashti’s and Esther’s of the 21^st century who are controlled and live in fear of their partners. So if you do one thing Jewish this Purim that isn’t for your children, think about how you can raise awareness of domestic violence in your community because it is in your community, somewhere.