“Have you heard the latest about the Cohen Bar-Mitzvah?” I was asked at the school gates this week? “No” was my reply. “They’ve booked JLS to appear” I was told. “They went to a BM in North London and JLS were there so the Cohen’s have decided to have them too.” I didn’t really respond because I didn’t quite know what to say. Obviously I think it is ridiculous and completely excessive to go to such an expense but being a closet JLS fan I suspect that I would have been slightly overwhelmed were I to be at the Cohen’s BM party.

I have been and heard of Bar-Mitzvah parties where there have been captain Jack Sparrow lookalikes, Britain’s got talent finalists, FA cup replica’s in a variety of places from the Natural History Museum, Pinewood Studios and a marquee in the back garden. Each one has had its merits and downfalls. Each one is a great party and I’m sure the Bar-Mitzvah family were very proud. However, I have been wondering in recent months how much of the Bar-Mitzvah is about the ritual or about the party. Nothing has made me think about this more than the watching the film Sixty-Six, Strictly Kosher and the story of Saul (http://www.judithtrust.org.uk/learning-disability-and-mental-ill-health/case-studies/sauls-story/)

Sixty-Six tells the story of a thirteen year old who is not only hoping that his Bar-Mitzvah is going to be a more sprauncy affair than his brothers but also has to deal with what many summer born Jews have had to deal with in the past, that he shares his Bar-Mitzvah with a football match (which in Bernie’s case happens to be the world cup final). On Strictly Kosher we watched Jack Aizenberg celebrate his Bar-Mitzvah at the age of eighty-five. Jack was a survivor of the Shoah and had spent his early teens in Buchenwald concentration camp. Saul is a teenager, born with a genetic disorder that means he has severe language and communication difficulties and learning needs. He is the boy at the centre of the Judith Trust’s inclusion campaign. What have Saul, Bernie and Jack got in common? Their Bar-Mitzvahs’ was a massive deal to them and the people around them just didn’t seem to get it. Saul’s rabbi told him that he couldn’t be Bar-Mitzvah, Jack’s family seemed to be distinctly unimpressed at Jack’s service and Bernie’s family were far too worried about the difficulties of the daily grind to worry about his coming of age.

Bearing all that in mind, are we to blame for the change in the way we approach Bnei-Mitzvah? Is it about finding the right venue, outfit and X-factor reject? Is it about showing your parents and family that you are officially a grown up? Or, is it about showing your community that you too are taking on the responsibility of being a proud and responsible Jew?

After all, it doesn’t say anywhere is Jewish writing that a Bar-Mitzvah is about celebrating the wonderfulness of your child.  In fact in the Talmud and Mishnah the only reference to Bar-Mitzvah (and even that is still tenuous) is that at the age of thirteen a boy must take on the commandments of the torah. The idea of the ceremony itself did not develop until the Middle Ages so the concept of becoming Bnei-Mitzvah is still relatively new! And as for the party, Medieval Rabbi, Jacob Ben Asher says in his compilation of Jewish law that "It is a mitzvah for a person to make a meal on the day his son son becomes Bar-Mitzvah as on the day he enters the wedding canopy" A-ha, so that’s where the Cohen’s got the idea from!

Not having had a Bat-Mitzvah, I cannot tell you what it feels like. But I can tell you that as much as I hear about the fabulous parties held by the families of the ‘park round the corner and pretend we walked’ variety of Jew I also hear about the boy who did a sponsored bike ride for Rabbi’s for Human Rights to commemorate his coming of age. Or the boy who walked across every Bridge in London to raise money for a cancer charity. How about the girl who twinned her bat-mitzvah with a victim of the Shoah and then traced his family so they could share the simcha? Many of our teenagers are making their Bnei-Mitzvah’s meaningful and we need to applaud them for that. Research coming out of the USA suggests that an increasing number of teenagers are trying to make their coming of age meaningful by asking for gifts to be donated to the local children’s hospice, by completing sponsored events and giving 10% of their gifts to charity. It is refreshing to think that our teenagers are happy to show the world that their Bnei-Mitzvah is not just about them but is about the world around us as well. As Jews we are instructed to pursue justice (Deuteronomy 16:18) and many of our teenager’s are using their moment in the spotlight to remind everyone of that. Maybe that is what the Cohen’s should be focusing on rather than the star studded line up of their party!