Seasons greetings and all that Jazz

This is such an interesting and fabulous time of year. The end of what has been an amazing year to live in London, a year where I have finally got rid of nappies from our household, a year when I said goodbye to my trusty golf and got a car where I didn't need to consider the size of the boot, a year where there were more joyful events than sad events, a year where I became closer to forty than thirty and a year where there were no major earth shattering dramas, no hospitals, no heart attacks, no redundancies and no cancer.
But here we are having just celebrated Chanukah and having to deal with the complexities of being a Jewish parent in a secular and Christian world. For me, it's the only time of year where I seriously consider the merits of making Aliyah. 
I grew up in a very anti Christmas household. On Christmas Day, we didn't get dressed, ate cheese on toast for lunch, watch top of the pops and the Christmas BBC afternoon film ( which tended not to be a repeat in those days) When I got married I was introduced to an entirely different Christmas tradition, one that was to close to the bone for me. The family went out for dinner Christmas Eve where they donned party hats, ripped crackers and ate turkey. They hadn't seen each other since Rosh Hashannah so there was a lot to catch up on! It was generally a great night but too Christmassy for me. 
Over the past six years, the tradition has been to go to my dads. My cousins generally come and the kids get presents as my brother is down from the South West and hasn't seen them over Chanukah and my cousins and I and the kids generally swap presents too. We don't call them Christmas presents or Chanukah presents so what are they? We don't have a tree, or decorations or crackers. We don't eat turkey. So are we doing something wrong? To some maybe we are to some we're not. At the end of the day it's a bank holiday so is there a better time to get together and do what Jews do best? ( eat copious amounts)
My views on the festive season are mixed and confused, I like the Pogues, Band Aid and am annoyed by Mariah Carey. I like going to see the Christmas lights on Regent street and think the lights on some of our neighbourhood houses look great. However, I draw the line at decorating my own. It might have been the festival of lights for Jews but my version of that is having our four Chanukiyot lit and placed in the window rather than illuminating the neighbourhood, increasing my electricity bills and my carbon footprint.
As my kids have continued to prosper at school and we have got to know more families we have realised that everyone has their own tradition. Many Jewish families in our area have Christmas trees. Many families get Chanukah and Christmas presents. Many embrace the holiday season in American 'happy holidays style' . That's not for my family. We are British and Jewish and proud of who we are but Christmas is not our festival! We lit the Chanukah candles to recall the story of fighting for religious freedom and as I watch some of my Jewish friends and neighbours celebrate Chanukah and Christmas I am glad that they have the religious freedom to do so. The Maccabees might have considered them Hellenists but I think they are trying to do the best they can in the complexity that is the modern world and there is nothing wrong with that.
I intend to enjoy the holiday season... I want to reflect on the year that's gone and look forward to what is to come. I want to spend time with the three most important people in my life and just enjoy each other. I don't want or need tinsel, crackers or pine needles on the floor of my lounge, I only need more of what 2012 has bought me, good health, happiness and a large slice of religious freedom!

"Chanukah is, the Festival of Lights. Instead of one day of presents we have eight crazy nights" Adam Sandler, the Chanukah Song

Picture this... your kid come home from school and ask you when you are decorating the Christmas tree... or are asking whether Christmas and Chanukah are really that different. They have been writing their list of required gifts for several weeks. You are exhausted! How do you make sure that Chanukah is a week to remember and not eclipsed by the other 'C' festival a week or so later. Here is my guide to making Chanukah meaningful

1. Tell the tale

Do your kids know the story of Chanukah? Invest in a few books for your home. The story is an exciting one for kids, filled with epic battles and despair and hope and a happy ending. Great books to order are Maccabee by Tilda Balsley or All about Hanukkah by Judyth Groner (both available from Amazon). For older children you can use Hanukkah around the world (by Tami Lehman-Wilzig) to highlight different Chanukah traditions celebrated by different Jewish communities.

2. Energy Conservation

The relighting of the menorah by the victorious Maccabees provided the symbol of God’s existence in the Temple. We have an obligation to bring God into our everyday lives by caring for the world that God gave to us. One way to do this is by conserving energy at home. Make a list of eight different ways you can conserve energy at home. Give your kids a colouring sheet of a Chanukiah and each time they conserve energy they can colour in a candle. The goal is for every candle to be completely filled by the end of Chanukah. 

"Christmas brings enormous electric bills.  Candles are used for Hanukkah.  Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.  ~KOACH Humor, "Holiday Distinctions Finally Explained"

3. Make dinner

To remember the miracle of the oil, it’s traditional during Chanukah to eat fried foods. Many Jews fulfil this ritual by making latkes. Recipes are commonplace but the general idea is this: grate some potatoes and an onion. Beat an egg and add to the potato-onion mix. Add salt and pepper to taste, then form into patties. Even the smallest of children can participate by shaping the batter into patties and by adding the seasoning's.

4. Attend communal candle lighting

Many Jewish communities build large outdoor Chanukiah’s to fulfil the ritual that we should light our candles where they can be seen by everybody. Instead of lighting candles in your home, gather with members of the community to light candles together. Contact your nearest synagogue to find out about their communal lighting

5. Think of others

Reinforce the notion that Chanukah is not primarily about receiving gifts by setting aside one night during the holiday not to open any. Shop with your kids for toys they would enjoy, and have them deliver their purchases to a children’s charity. Camp SImcha run a wonderful project in the weeks leading up to Chanukah where you buy  an extra toy that is redistributed to a sick child and their family. (www.campsimcha.org.uk)

6. ‘Dreidal, dreidal, dreidal, I made it out of clay’

A dreidal is a four-sided spinning top with a Hebrew letter on each side. Outside of Israel, the letters stand for the phrase, “A great miracle happened there In Israel, the last word—which means “there”—is replaced with the Hebrew for “here,” Legend has it that the dreidal game was popular when Antiochus ruled. Jewish people, struggling to keep their faith alive, would gather together to study the Torah, which had been outlawed by Antiochus. They would keep the dreidal nearby so that if soldiers appeared, they could hide their books and pretend to play a game. “Dreidal” is derived from the German word “drehen,” or “turn.” The dreidal game is played by giving each player a number of tokens; you can use coins (chocolate or real!), raisins or counters. Before spinning the dreidal, each player puts a fixed number of their portion into the “kupah” or kitty. Each player in turn spins the dreidal. When the dreidal falls, the player acts according to the rules for each letter:

Nun—Do nothing, play proceeds to the next player.

Gimel—Take the whole kitty

Hey- Take half of the kitty

Shin- Put some in; players agree on an amount before the game

Play dreidal as a family and try making up some of your own rules. For example, choose a fact about yourself or a family memory to share for each letter, such as something you like to do, a person you like and why, an animal you like and why, a place you like and why. Or, make up more active rules, such as running once around the table, hopping on one foot, spinning or rubbing your stomach while patting your head. You can raise the stakes as well:  Shin might mean you have to do the washing up, while gimel can mean you get to choose the destination for the next family day out.

7. Embrace diversity.

There is no greater time than while celebrating Chanukah in the midst of the Christmas season to reflect on ‘being a stranger in a strange land’ (Exodus 2.22) about being a ‘stranger in a strange land.’ But there are positive lessons to being part of a minority community. Invite non-Jewish friends or neighbours round for candle lighting one evening and share festive season experiences.

8. Appreciate the season

Try to avoid the stresses of the season: don’t expend too much worry about securing the must-have gifts or dividing equal rations of time amongst all the branches of the family tree. Instead, take a cue from your kids, who surely have been enthused by the joy and general merriment in the air. 

Chanukah, or any Jewish festival for that matter becomes a meaningful experience when you create positive memories and associations with it. Use the next week to create your own traditions and then enjoy a meaningful Chanukah. CHAG SAMEACH

A day that will live in infamy

Today, Thursday November 15^th is a day that the lives of a few in the Middle East have changed forever. They have lost one of the people they have loved most in the world, the person who helped them make sense of the world they live in and the person who taught them right from wrong.

The life of the person left behind will never be the same. Whether they have read the tweets from those comforting them who they have never met and never lived the life that they have or they have read the tweets from those demanding revenge that they have never met and never lived the life that they have, they do not feel any better. Whether they are reassured by their leaders that their person has not died in vain or not, they still don’t feel any better. What they want is their person back, laughing, loving and living with them. That cannot happen. What they want is to share the events of the day and concerns about tomorrow. They cannot do that anymore.

They might listen to the news and realise that their loved one is merely a statistic. They might think of all the others that hear the news and carry on doing whatever it is their doing, whether it’s driving to pick up kids from school, eating dinner or meeting up with friends for a drink and wonder whether anyone even cares that their life will never be the same. Even though others have suffered, they might feel alone.

What side of the border does this person live? Do they live in Kiryat Malachi or do they live in Gaza city? (is there really a difference- the people are living in fear wherever they are) Are they an active part of this increasingly bitter yet futile escalation or merely in the wrong place at the wrong time? The fact is that whatever side they are on they are suffering. No child wants to lose their parent in this way and no parent wants to lose their child ever. Listening to the various media outlets and reading various twitter feeds throughout the day I know that one of the reasons why this conflict has become so polarised is because each side sees the other as being devoid of humanity. A Palestinian clearly doesn’t care about the loss of life and neither do Israeli’s according to much of social media. We read of the political motivation behind this current escalation and wonder whether it is just the governments and extremists that are devoid of humanity rather than the people themselves? Or, we tar all Palestinians and all Israeli’s with the same brush. We ignore the story of Gazan civilians being taken to hospital in Be’er Sheva and threats of incursion and assassination made by an inferior government ministers with virtually no international profile. We ignore the fact that that Hamas were elected by Gazans because we deplore the views and their subsequent crackdown on human rights and political diversity. We ignore the fact rockets have been launched from Gaza consistently over the past several months because it suits us to see Israel as the aggressor. We ignore the fact that some Israeli’s see Gush Katif as an integral part to the biblical homeland because they are Jews.

We ignore lots of facts about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict because it suits us. What we cannot ignore today is the fact that someone in the Middle East lost someone they love today and does not know how life will ever be the same again. If we cannot pray for a realistic and lasting peace, let us at least pray that the bereaved will find a source of comfort in the memories of their loved ones rather than their hatred of the enemy.

Peace between us and between our people              שלום בינינו ובין בני עמנו

Jewish Mums- A reality show for the 21st century?

There are several competitors, each one righteous and courageous in their own ways. Each one has had their faith tested and each one has been faced with difficult decisions.

The first one is Eve. Her and her partner Adam have been thrust together but have created this idyllic paradise in which they live. They are completely comfortable with each other and are happy to be isolated. However, Eve is an impressionable young woman, she is easily led astray by others and  at times seems incapable of making decisions on her own and then taking responsibility for them. Eve has two sons that do not get along, one is jealous of the other and there seems to be an unhealthy amount of resentment between the members of the  household.

The second competitor is called Sara. She is an interesting woman who is one of those 'older' mothers. Basically, she waited so long to have a child that when she finally gave births to a son, she was besotted by him. Her husband has another son from a previous relationship and Sara is anxious that her son maintains his position as the Favourite. If she had it her way her husband would have no contact with his firstborn.

Hagar is our third contestant and this is where our world reveals a web of connections. Hagar is the former partner of Sara's husband. She works tirelessly for her son to maintain a relationship with his father. Sometimes Hagar gets depressed as she fears for her son's future when he clearly lacks a positive male role model. She tries to do the job of two parents but this is sometimes to no avail.

Rebecca is the next candidate. Demure and poised Rebecca seems to be the young woman that others want to be. Kind hearted and with a generous spirit it seems as though Rebecca is wise beyond her years. She married her husband after a whirlwind romance and became pregnant with twins quite quickly. As a mother Rebecca changes somewhat as she cannot help but favour her youngest twin. He is studious and and respectful of her whereas her eldest son is much more of a boyish boy and has a great relationship with his father. Rebecca wants her youngest to be in favour with her husband and will Do whatever it takes for that to happen.

Rachel and Leah are sisters and although they get on we'll they have committed the crime of falling in love with the same man. This man cannot decide between them and although he loves Rachel more he maintains a relationship with Leah. He has over a dozen children with four different partners. He too has his favourites and this leads to untold jealousy and resentment and fighting between the brothers.

These women have a point of view and they stick to it. These women want the best for their children (some of them anyway) and like any Jewish mum will do whatever it takes to help their children progress in life. Although in some cases, their actions to some might be seen as deplorable but are they wicked people? Not really, just a little misunderstood.

In recent weeks many Jewish women across the UK have been both appalled and entertained by channel 4's 'Jewish mum of the year'. I have found it cringeworthy at times and like many others have questioned the wisdom of the Jewish news and the contestants in taking part in a programme that in many cases reinforces stereotypes, shows Judaism as a religion without depth and has taken the most extreme personalities and put them together and waited for the fireworks to begin. ( contrived TV more than reality TV me thinks). However, what the programme has also shown is the strength of Jewish women, regardless of their religious affiliation, their marital status and the number of children they have produced ad most importantly, all are proud of their Jewish roots (otherwise they wouldn't be on the show in the first place.)

Like the book of Genesis that we are currently reading on Shabbat, the show is like a soap opera with a balanced amount of tension, rivalry, laughs and tears. The protagonists might not be the role models that we are looking for in the Jewish community but then again Anat Hoffman, Laura Marks and Elaine Sacks organising a Jewish Care outing to West-cliff might not make compulsive viewing!

A post card from Egypt

We have just returned from twelve days in Sharm-El-Sheikh. It was our first holiday together for nearly eighteen months and the plan was totally Jewish... To eat, drink (diet coke and bottled water), lie  in the sun and be waited on. within 40 minutes of our plane landing in the Sinai wilderness we were checking into the Hilton and being shown to our upgraded suite ( being a relative of Mister Ben in these parts has untold benefits!) and immediately started the holiday process of relaxation.
The next twelve days followed a very similar pattern. Breakfast followed by the morning at the water-slide pool. Lunch followed by a sleep for the boys and an hours quiet reading by the pool a stones throw from our hotel room the afternoon ended with a snorkel in the Red Sea and watching the sun set with apple juice and water in the pool bar. The day ended with dinner followed by ice cream in Soho Square and a visit to the mini disco.
Friends of mine were surprised that we were visiting Egypt. Why are you going to an Arab country even my most liberal friends would ask? "It's about £1500 less than a trip to Eilat and Israel" my husband would grumpily respond. "They hate the Israeli's" people would tell me... "So do the extremists in the UK" was my response. The fact that Israel and Egypt have been living in relative peace my entire lifetime seemed lost on a huge number of people. The fact that the revolution and the moderate violence that took place in Cairo was  practically a day trip away was also lost on people who were warning me to stay away from large crowds.
Throughout our holiday we spoke to a number of holidaymakers who were returning to Sharm for the umpteenth time. Why were they returning agin and again? The service, the friendliness, the reef and the weather all formed part of their answers.
For me, as a person with the tendency to over think and as a lover of people watching and wondering I spent time on the holiday wondering about the people who were at my beck and call. Amongst a huge staff, there were only two Egyptian women. In fact there were relatively few women on show throughout my time in Egypt. as someone for whom gender equality plays an integral part of my work I was concerned about the role of women. what kind of country that professed to be modern would have such a male dominated industry? It actually got me thinking about the economics of Sharm. Tourism and the Suez makes Egypt a comparatively  wealthy country in the Arab world. Over 39% of Egypt's hotels are in Sharm. Over 95% of Sharm tourist workers come from other parts of Egypt. The working conditions at first glance are horrendous. Our waiter started worked at 7am and finished at 10.30pm. He worked everyday for a month and then had ten days off (during which time he returned to Cairo to see his mum!) his pay was about £25 a week (apparently that is much higher than Cairo wages) not including tips and he got board, food and transport to Cairo and back. He firmly  believed that he was one of the lucky ones. Most waiters were young men who considered themselves to be the lucky ones. I was aghast and indignant for a while on their behalf. The loneliness and isolation they must of felt was unthinkable. The long hours and little pay, the shared living quarters screamed exploitation to me and within a few days of the holiday I was determined that this would be my last trip to Egypt. However, less than a week later my views changed as I realised I was thinking about exploitation In the context of my life, not theirs. Whilst I couldn't imagine working thirty days in a row in shifts of approximately fifteen hours for a paltry amount our waiters saw it as an opportunity. The very reason I declared that I would stay away is now the very reason I want to go back. These people were warm and friendly and couldn't do enough for us. My children fell in love with Samy the MaitreD and Adriano our waiter and I think they fell a little a bit in love with our boys. Over twelve days they became part of our Egyptian family and within that we got to experience the warmth, optimism and reality of being an Egyptian. The Egyptian people have been through a lot over the past two years but there was a mood of optimism amongst those that we met. Inordinately proud of who they are and how far they've come. We are often told that we should model exemplary behaviour for those Arab countries embracing change. After two weeks in Egypt I'm not sure we need to.

A musical Utopia

I have always considered myself somewhat musical although the only place that my singing has been good for is the shower and the car. I haven’t picked up an instrument since learning to play Maoz Tsur on the recorder when I was at Primary school and wouldn't exactly say I had ‘the voice’ However, in recent weeks I have been reminded just how much I like music and that I used to spend every spare bit of cash I had on CD’s.

A friend of ours who regularly is in London on business and uses us as his base spent the evening with us several weeks ago. We spent the evening reminiscing about songs from our late teens and university years and singing at the top of our voices. It was the best evening I’ve had in a while (which possibly says more about me than I’d care to admit!)

This Shabbat I am in West Wales. I am currently looking out at the Irish Sea hoping to see an Orca or some sort of wildlife that makes me feel that I am at the edge of the world. There is no phone signal and the only connection with the outside world is wifi in a small office which often has several people sitting in checking and responding to emails. There is something great about being unconnected and as the drama of the London Olympics begins it is quite nice to be far from the maddening crowd.

However, there is something strange going on in this micro community that has been created and that it music. Cantor Zoe Jacobs and the musical maestro that is Josh Nelson are teaching a group of 60 teenagers how to song lead. Their enthusiasm and love for music has affected all of us and will inspire approximately five hundred young people who have chosen to have an RSY-Netzer summer. It has shown me that you don’t have to be musical to be inspired. Music does do wonderful things for people. Whether you are a One Direction or a Beethoven fan, the wonderful things about music is that you get lost in it. It can make you happy, sad, inspired, excited and wistful of the past, present and future. It is a mood changer. A life time of my memories (and yours) is associated with music.

This Shabbat on RSY-Netzer we have created a real moment. An opportunity to use our voices and rhythm to engage and inspire and create moments in the lives of our participants. Josh Nelson sings Dor V’ador, from generation to generation and today I have witnessed the transmitting of Jewish music, its meaning and its memory making.

As Shabbat draws near and the atmosphere on camp starts to change I find myself missing my boys singing Shalom Aleichem. However, as my musical epiphany continues I find my soul warmed at the fact that Shabbat angels are being sung a wonderful welcome all over the place!

The Making of a Mensch

In December 2011, I was privileged to meet Rabbi Phyllis Sommer, one of the Rabbi’s at Temple Am Shalom in Illinois. Rabbi Sommer is one of a relatively small but growing group of US Rabbi’s who are working tirelessly to encourage communities to send their kids to camp during the summer. Many of the things she said in our conversation resonated with me in terms of what I could take back to my community but also what she said about being a parent and how we use our own experiences to make choices for our children in the hope they will do better than we did. What I have learnt since, is that my children live in an entirely different world to me and my husband. The world is smaller and more open than ever and our children live in a society where everything is a race.

This week,  my son came home with his first school report. Now obviously we think our kids are particularly spectacular but it is somewhat of an ego boost when other people comment to that effect regarding your kids. During a week in Tuscany for a family wedding, our relatives, young and old would say to us; “aren’t they good”, “don’t they get on well” with looks of incredulity on their faces because two boisterous boys clearly couldn’t be counted onto behave. But they did. They coped with the late nights, the adult conversations, the hanging around because it took an hour for all the family to get anywhere and we were proud. We congratulated ourselves on having such wonderful children, who miraculously were able to behave in restaurants, be quiet during the chupah and smile when the photographers were taking their one millionth photo.

OJ’s school report seemed to confirm what we already knew; that he was a quiet, good natured boy who acted compassionately and with respect towards his peers and teachers therefore making him popular with everybody. He is a boy who enjoys school, shows commitment to learning and self discipline. This is nothing we don’t already know but to hear it from someone else is mind-blowing. Do I want to shout it from the rooftops I asked my colleague and friend, Rachel the following day? Do I want to be one of those parents who tell everyone, how wonderful and advanced he is at the tender age of 5 (even though as a newborn he had a fairly dodgy start). Do I want to tell my family, my friends and my community that he is the Moses they are looking for? Do I want to become the parent who declared that their child slept through at four weeks, or who sat up at three months and walked at eight? Do I want to be the parent who brags to the point where I put such a tremendous amount of pressure on the child to be perfect that I cause him to rebel? 

As parents living in a competitive, busy and driven world where educational, financial and social success means everything are we damaging our children by singing their praises to the world? Rabbi Sommer told me that her greatest parenting achievement was being told by one of the counsellors (youth leaders) on Camp Osrui[i], that her son was becoming a mensch. As she said it she became emotional and I thought that is all I want my kids to be. Sure, I want OJ to be a rabbi (I think singing the Shema to himself whilst he is on the toilet might be a good sign!) or a doctor (he has diagnosed me with several ailments including a broken leg!) Sure, I want OJ to do well at school and not struggle with algebra, French or Art as I did. However, what do I want most? I want him to be a good person, someone who is happy in their own skin, someone with the confidence to do what is right (even if it is not popular)... in short a mensch! If his school report is anything to go by, he might actually become one.

So how did we react to this school report? After speaking to our parents and deciding to scan it so we could email a copy to OJ’s aunt who is on a ten month honeymoon with her new husband, we gave him a kiss and told him we loved him at that we were proud to be his mum and dad. There were no gifts or expensive gestures. It was business as usual... after all should we reward our lovely boy for being himself or just expect it?

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[i] Osrui is a URJ camp situated in the wilds of Wisconsin, USA. For more information please visit www.osrui.urjcamps.org