A musical Utopia

I have always considered myself somewhat musical although the only place that my singing has been good for is the shower and the car. I haven’t picked up an instrument since learning to play Maoz Tsur on the recorder when I was at Primary school and wouldn't exactly say I had ‘the voice’ However, in recent weeks I have been reminded just how much I like music and that I used to spend every spare bit of cash I had on CD’s.

A friend of ours who regularly is in London on business and uses us as his base spent the evening with us several weeks ago. We spent the evening reminiscing about songs from our late teens and university years and singing at the top of our voices. It was the best evening I’ve had in a while (which possibly says more about me than I’d care to admit!)

This Shabbat I am in West Wales. I am currently looking out at the Irish Sea hoping to see an Orca or some sort of wildlife that makes me feel that I am at the edge of the world. There is no phone signal and the only connection with the outside world is wifi in a small office which often has several people sitting in checking and responding to emails. There is something great about being unconnected and as the drama of the London Olympics begins it is quite nice to be far from the maddening crowd.

However, there is something strange going on in this micro community that has been created and that it music. Cantor Zoe Jacobs and the musical maestro that is Josh Nelson are teaching a group of 60 teenagers how to song lead. Their enthusiasm and love for music has affected all of us and will inspire approximately five hundred young people who have chosen to have an RSY-Netzer summer. It has shown me that you don’t have to be musical to be inspired. Music does do wonderful things for people. Whether you are a One Direction or a Beethoven fan, the wonderful things about music is that you get lost in it. It can make you happy, sad, inspired, excited and wistful of the past, present and future. It is a mood changer. A life time of my memories (and yours) is associated with music.

This Shabbat on RSY-Netzer we have created a real moment. An opportunity to use our voices and rhythm to engage and inspire and create moments in the lives of our participants. Josh Nelson sings Dor V’ador, from generation to generation and today I have witnessed the transmitting of Jewish music, its meaning and its memory making.

As Shabbat draws near and the atmosphere on camp starts to change I find myself missing my boys singing Shalom Aleichem. However, as my musical epiphany continues I find my soul warmed at the fact that Shabbat angels are being sung a wonderful welcome all over the place!

The Making of a Mensch

In December 2011, I was privileged to meet Rabbi Phyllis Sommer, one of the Rabbi’s at Temple Am Shalom in Illinois. Rabbi Sommer is one of a relatively small but growing group of US Rabbi’s who are working tirelessly to encourage communities to send their kids to camp during the summer. Many of the things she said in our conversation resonated with me in terms of what I could take back to my community but also what she said about being a parent and how we use our own experiences to make choices for our children in the hope they will do better than we did. What I have learnt since, is that my children live in an entirely different world to me and my husband. The world is smaller and more open than ever and our children live in a society where everything is a race.

This week,  my son came home with his first school report. Now obviously we think our kids are particularly spectacular but it is somewhat of an ego boost when other people comment to that effect regarding your kids. During a week in Tuscany for a family wedding, our relatives, young and old would say to us; “aren’t they good”, “don’t they get on well” with looks of incredulity on their faces because two boisterous boys clearly couldn’t be counted onto behave. But they did. They coped with the late nights, the adult conversations, the hanging around because it took an hour for all the family to get anywhere and we were proud. We congratulated ourselves on having such wonderful children, who miraculously were able to behave in restaurants, be quiet during the chupah and smile when the photographers were taking their one millionth photo.

OJ’s school report seemed to confirm what we already knew; that he was a quiet, good natured boy who acted compassionately and with respect towards his peers and teachers therefore making him popular with everybody. He is a boy who enjoys school, shows commitment to learning and self discipline. This is nothing we don’t already know but to hear it from someone else is mind-blowing. Do I want to shout it from the rooftops I asked my colleague and friend, Rachel the following day? Do I want to be one of those parents who tell everyone, how wonderful and advanced he is at the tender age of 5 (even though as a newborn he had a fairly dodgy start). Do I want to tell my family, my friends and my community that he is the Moses they are looking for? Do I want to become the parent who declared that their child slept through at four weeks, or who sat up at three months and walked at eight? Do I want to be the parent who brags to the point where I put such a tremendous amount of pressure on the child to be perfect that I cause him to rebel? 

As parents living in a competitive, busy and driven world where educational, financial and social success means everything are we damaging our children by singing their praises to the world? Rabbi Sommer told me that her greatest parenting achievement was being told by one of the counsellors (youth leaders) on Camp Osrui[i], that her son was becoming a mensch. As she said it she became emotional and I thought that is all I want my kids to be. Sure, I want OJ to be a rabbi (I think singing the Shema to himself whilst he is on the toilet might be a good sign!) or a doctor (he has diagnosed me with several ailments including a broken leg!) Sure, I want OJ to do well at school and not struggle with algebra, French or Art as I did. However, what do I want most? I want him to be a good person, someone who is happy in their own skin, someone with the confidence to do what is right (even if it is not popular)... in short a mensch! If his school report is anything to go by, he might actually become one.

So how did we react to this school report? After speaking to our parents and deciding to scan it so we could email a copy to OJ’s aunt who is on a ten month honeymoon with her new husband, we gave him a kiss and told him we loved him at that we were proud to be his mum and dad. There were no gifts or expensive gestures. It was business as usual... after all should we reward our lovely boy for being himself or just expect it?

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[i] Osrui is a URJ camp situated in the wilds of Wisconsin, USA. For more information please visit www.osrui.urjcamps.org

“Have you heard the latest about the Cohen Bar-Mitzvah?” I was asked at the school gates this week? “No” was my reply. “They’ve booked JLS to appear” I was told. “They went to a BM in North London and JLS were there so the Cohen’s have decided to have them too.” I didn’t really respond because I didn’t quite know what to say. Obviously I think it is ridiculous and completely excessive to go to such an expense but being a closet JLS fan I suspect that I would have been slightly overwhelmed were I to be at the Cohen’s BM party.

I have been and heard of Bar-Mitzvah parties where there have been captain Jack Sparrow lookalikes, Britain’s got talent finalists, FA cup replica’s in a variety of places from the Natural History Museum, Pinewood Studios and a marquee in the back garden. Each one has had its merits and downfalls. Each one is a great party and I’m sure the Bar-Mitzvah family were very proud. However, I have been wondering in recent months how much of the Bar-Mitzvah is about the ritual or about the party. Nothing has made me think about this more than the watching the film Sixty-Six, Strictly Kosher and the story of Saul (http://www.judithtrust.org.uk/learning-disability-and-mental-ill-health/case-studies/sauls-story/)

Sixty-Six tells the story of a thirteen year old who is not only hoping that his Bar-Mitzvah is going to be a more sprauncy affair than his brothers but also has to deal with what many summer born Jews have had to deal with in the past, that he shares his Bar-Mitzvah with a football match (which in Bernie’s case happens to be the world cup final). On Strictly Kosher we watched Jack Aizenberg celebrate his Bar-Mitzvah at the age of eighty-five. Jack was a survivor of the Shoah and had spent his early teens in Buchenwald concentration camp. Saul is a teenager, born with a genetic disorder that means he has severe language and communication difficulties and learning needs. He is the boy at the centre of the Judith Trust’s inclusion campaign. What have Saul, Bernie and Jack got in common? Their Bar-Mitzvahs’ was a massive deal to them and the people around them just didn’t seem to get it. Saul’s rabbi told him that he couldn’t be Bar-Mitzvah, Jack’s family seemed to be distinctly unimpressed at Jack’s service and Bernie’s family were far too worried about the difficulties of the daily grind to worry about his coming of age.

Bearing all that in mind, are we to blame for the change in the way we approach Bnei-Mitzvah? Is it about finding the right venue, outfit and X-factor reject? Is it about showing your parents and family that you are officially a grown up? Or, is it about showing your community that you too are taking on the responsibility of being a proud and responsible Jew?

After all, it doesn’t say anywhere is Jewish writing that a Bar-Mitzvah is about celebrating the wonderfulness of your child.  In fact in the Talmud and Mishnah the only reference to Bar-Mitzvah (and even that is still tenuous) is that at the age of thirteen a boy must take on the commandments of the torah. The idea of the ceremony itself did not develop until the Middle Ages so the concept of becoming Bnei-Mitzvah is still relatively new! And as for the party, Medieval Rabbi, Jacob Ben Asher says in his compilation of Jewish law that "It is a mitzvah for a person to make a meal on the day his son son becomes Bar-Mitzvah as on the day he enters the wedding canopy" A-ha, so that’s where the Cohen’s got the idea from!

Not having had a Bat-Mitzvah, I cannot tell you what it feels like. But I can tell you that as much as I hear about the fabulous parties held by the families of the ‘park round the corner and pretend we walked’ variety of Jew I also hear about the boy who did a sponsored bike ride for Rabbi’s for Human Rights to commemorate his coming of age. Or the boy who walked across every Bridge in London to raise money for a cancer charity. How about the girl who twinned her bat-mitzvah with a victim of the Shoah and then traced his family so they could share the simcha? Many of our teenagers are making their Bnei-Mitzvah’s meaningful and we need to applaud them for that. Research coming out of the USA suggests that an increasing number of teenagers are trying to make their coming of age meaningful by asking for gifts to be donated to the local children’s hospice, by completing sponsored events and giving 10% of their gifts to charity. It is refreshing to think that our teenagers are happy to show the world that their Bnei-Mitzvah is not just about them but is about the world around us as well. As Jews we are instructed to pursue justice (Deuteronomy 16:18) and many of our teenager’s are using their moment in the spotlight to remind everyone of that. Maybe that is what the Cohen’s should be focusing on rather than the star studded line up of their party!

You choose

My kids have a book called You Choose[1]. The book gives the reader a choice of where they want to go, who their friends and family are, where they want to live and what they want to put in their homes, what food they want to eat, what they want to work as and what they want to do in their spare time, what pets they want and where they want to sleep. The book illustrates to me, the differences between my boys; Sammy chooses to live in the toadstool every time whilst Oliver’ choices vary between the castle, mansion (the house with lots of rooms) and tree house. Sammy always wants to eat Spaghetti Bolognaise whereas Oliver goes for the cake, jelly and ice-cream. Sammy wants a pet unicorn and Oliver in recent weeks has graduated from the dragon to a more practical (and perhaps more realistic) hamster.

In some ways I love and hate the book. I hate the fact that we have to read it practically every day, that Sammy is stubborn about his choices and that Oliver no longer wants a princess as his friend because in his words; “I’m a boy and boys don’t like princesses”. However, what I love about the book far outweighs what I hate. I love the fact that the book has become aspirational to the boys. Both boys want to be a pilot, want to ride in a space rocket and want to score a goal at the world cup. The book allows them to be whatever they want to be and do whatever they want to do. There are no limits.

What would it be like to live a life with no limits? To live in a world where all five year olds were able to travel into space, where all seven year olds could go to Cinderella’s ball, where no teenager suffered from acne or social awkwardness, a world where all A-level students could go to university without worrying about lifelong debt, to be certain of a job upon graduation, to be certain of finding a life partner, of having children easily and bringing them up safely and securely.

If we lived in a world with no limits, would we be any happier? Probably not. Knowing my limits and trying to conquer them makes me happy. I am in control of my own destiny. I know I won’t be living in a toadstool but I am going to do what I can to make myself happy and my life fulfilling.

There are two things that I think is true of everyone. No one is born lucky or unlucky and everyone has a mission in their lives to fulfil.  Of course there are people who have terrible things happen to them and we empathise with them and say they’re unlucky. When my mother died people said how unlucky I was. My attitude was that I was lucky enough to know it was coming and say everything I wanted to say. Not everyone has that opportunity.

Choices, destiny and luck; is there a difference? I believe so. I don’t think luck really exists. We make our own luck, it’s not lucky to be offered a great job, you worked hard for it, it’s not lucky to go on holiday and have great weather, it’s the weather patterns. Our destiny is something that is predetermined, the realisation that our world is greater than just the here and now, it’s the contribution we make to our family, our community and our society. Choices. That we have full ownership of. When we face barriers, it’s our choice about whether to dismantle them or find another route. When we are unhappy, we can choose to bring about a change to that situation which brings about a return to our happiness. When we are told no, we must choose to find out why and use that to move forward. Everyday, we make choices, big ones, small ones, ones which will have no impact on others, ones which will change everything.

Sometimes I wish I was five years old again when the choices amounted to whether to live in a castle or a tree house, whether to have cheese or quorn sandwiches in my packed lunch or what fruit to choose at snack time. Life was definitely simpler then. But the fact is today, even as I enter my mid thirties, I still believe that we have the power to make positive choices about the way we live and learn from the consequences of making the wrong choices. We are in control. I think the biggest weakness and our biggest challenge is not making a choice at all and staying on the fence because we are fearful of the consequence of that choice. No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes and there is nothing weak about making choices. The weakness lies in those who don’t make any choices or those who would rather shout at the world for being unfair, than be proactive about making a choice.

2012 is a year in Britain for being part of history; The Olympics and the Jubilee have made us want to be a part of history. I wonder this year how many of us will be conscious about the choices we make and about writing or rewriting our own history?

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[1] You Choose, Nick Sharrett, Pippa Goodhart, Random House publishing

Kristallnacht- May 2012

The night of broken glass was the moment in Nazi Germany that changed things for German Jews. Not that thing’s hadn't been bad before; but Kristallnacht showed German Jews that their future in Germany was doomed. The orchestrated violence was sanctioned by the Nazi government openly and without fear of condemnation from its neighbours. In terms of Kristallnacht, the rest they say is history.

Fast forward seventy-four years and what do we see on Wednesday night in Tel-Aviv? The wanton destruction of property, increased talk about foreigners threatening Israel’s social fabric and national security (said by the ‘mainstream’ Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu) and talk of deportations. Deportations. The Jewish world should shudder when hearing the word deportations as seventy years ago the term meant something very different.

So why has this group of nationalist Israeli’s forgotten the very events that led to the establishment of their state?  There are currently approximately 60,000 African refugees living in Israel (About 1% of the population). They are mostly from Sudan and Eritrea and have paid exorbitant amount to be smuggled into Israel; a state that was founded on the premise of being a tolerant and just society. Israel however sees up to 90% them as economic migrants. This is in sharp contrast to the UK where over two thirds of Sudanese and Eritrean migrants are granted refugee status.  Israeli newspapers such as the Jerusalem Post have suggested that the migrants have taken over neighbourhoods and harass women and have shown no willingness to conform to Israeli society. However, history shows that it’s only second generation migrants that really adopt their new country’s culture and values, the first generation are too busy setting everything up to conform. After all how many of our great grandparents spoke anything other than Yiddish?

Israel is not the first country to have issues over immigration. Throughout Europe and the USA immigration issues are often on the agenda and are often used as a cover by extreme groups to gain the respect of the mainstream voter. Is that what has happened in Israel? Has settler leader Baruch Marzel climbed in the anti-immigration bandwagon to deflect attention away from the continued expansion of settlements in the West Bank? Has Likud MK and former IDF spokesperson, Miri Regev, who described illegal immigrants as a "cancer in our society”, done so to try and increase her notoriety and move up the party list? The motive of these politicians to speak in such a pejorative and racial manner does not need to be called into question because there is nothing acceptable about a crowd of people screaming ‘blacks out’. It is not acceptable in any country but especially in Israel, by a people with such a strong history of persecution. Leviticus 19:34 states “The stranger who resides with you shall be to you one of your citizens; you shall love him as yourself, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt” Perhaps this group of protestors need to go back to their bible.

Bar Kochba and the brazen foxes

We currently have a family of foxes living in our back garden. Two adult foxes (who we are presuming are the mum and dad) and six of their cubs are currently living under the decking at the back of our garden. Between 4-7pm everyday they are outside, playing on the trampoline or just lolling about in the late afternoon sunshine. (The irony is that we built the decking so we could take advantage of the late afternoon and evening sunshine so at least someone is getting use out of it!). In the course of the invasion I’ve learnt several things about these urban warriors. Firstly, they aren’t considered pests so the council won’t get rid of them, secondly, for a fox to have six cubs is very rare and thirdly they are the most brazen animal I think I have ever seen. They simply have no fear of us and have been frequently gaining the upper hand in the staring competition that my family engage in every evening. So, I’ve concluded that we just have to accept that they’re there and hope they soon decide that they’ve had enough and move on.

The head of the fox family reminds me of that famous Judean warrior, Shimon Bar Kochba who was a leader of a rebellion in Judaea against the Romans in the second century. He was the commander of a revolt that began when the Emperor Hadrian broke a promise that he would rebuild a temple for Jews on the site of the destroyed second temple. As this promise failed to materialise the remaining Jews in Judaea sought to overthrow the Romans. The rebellion lasted three years and was not a success. Many historians believe that it was this revolt that finally led to the collapse of ancient Israel and the dispersal of Jews into the Diaspora.

In spite of early successes the rebels were defeated by the Romans. The ringleaders were caught and severely punished and surviving Jews sold into slavery and sent to other parts of the Roman Empire. So, why did the rebellion fail? Bar Kochba was referred to by Rabbi Akiva, as the ‘son of a star’[1] and it was thought that Bar Kochba was the messiah. So, what changed?

Jewish sources estimate that Bar Kochba had over 10,000 fighters in his rebel army. He was clearly recognised as a great leader and had the support of learned rabbis as well as all the different factions of Jews that lived at the time. However, The sages believe they lost because they were too arrogant[2]. Having tasted victory they adopted the attitude of, "by my strength and my valour I did this." (Deut. 8:17)

Bar Kochba’s failure was that he started to believe in his own hype. He heard people calling him the Messiah. Certainly, if Rabbi Akiva thought so, then he had the potential to be Israel's Ultimate Leader. He also became corrupted by his power and even beat his uncle, the great Rabbi Elazar HaModai, to death, having accepted false accusations that he was a Roman spy. Because of these faults he began to lose battles and was forced into retreat. Whether you feel that Shimon Bar Kochba is a great leader or not, the evidence that he wanted Jews in Judaea to live independently and practice freely shows that at the beginning he cared about his people and their destiny.

So, back to the fox family currently making the Juggler back garden their home. Mama Fox (at least that’s what I call her) is bar Kochba in a nutshell. Brazen, a great leader (those cubs never step out of line) and is staying her ground. Her followers are inspired by her brazenness, cunningness and rebelliousness. They don’t care about the noise we make, they aren’t bothered by the anti-animal spray. They aren’t bothered that whenever we have visitors to our house between 4-7pm, the boys drag them to the back door to show them our ‘guests’... they have simply decided that they like the look of our place and for the meantime, that’s where they are going to stay. I, on the other hand hope they continue to be like Bar Kochba and start to believe they are invincible. And then I will put my plan of defence into place. (Not that I know what it is yet so any ideas will be gratefully received!)




[1] Bar Kochba's success caused many to believe that he could be the Messiah. He was nicknamed "Bar Kochba" or "Son of Star," an allusion to a verse in the Book of Numbers (24:17): "there shall come a star out of Jacob." This star is understood to refer to the Messiah.


[2] This is mention in a discussion in the Talmud ta’anit 4:5

Have many friends do I have?

I didn't join facebook until 2009 so was quite a late starter in the social media world. At first I thought it was because I didn't want to get back in touch with those who were no longer part of my life. Then I thought it was because it wasn't necessary to let people know that my left knee had turned purple because I had walked into a filing cabinet the previous day. Then I worried about my house being burgled if I announced on fb that I was enjoying two weeks in the Maldives and then I worried about strangers looking at photos of my children. When I did eventually sign up it was almost by accident. A parent at work complained that a youth leader had posted something on facebook about a youth event. To find the said comment I had to set up an account and without even knowing it my relationship with facebook began.

So what do I use facebook for? Well, on Sunday it was a great way to connect with one of my oldest and dearest friends. Her daughter was having a tantrum in Westfield and she had posted a photo of it on said website. I was stuck in a traffic jam queuing to get into Westfield, saw the photo, phoned her straight away and we met up for a good catch up.

I also use the said website to connect with friends that I had in my misspent youth. Many a facebook status has been spent reminiscing about Jimmy Saville impressions, bar brawls and camping by the Dead Sea that was part of my year course experience.

The said website also became a way for two of my friends to announce the birth of their children. In fact, when I noticed that one heavily pregnant friend had stopped updating her status regarding her swollen ankles I wondered if she had actually gone into labour. ‘No such luck’ she texted me back, ‘wireless on phone’s not working properly’

Facebook has appealed to my voyeuristic side as well. Why has Benjamin ________ checked into the airport in Vancouver; where is he going? What does Katherine____ mean when she says she is having a bad day? FB is an ideal way to find out what people are up to and how they’re feeling. It enables charities and businesses to spread their message and it is one step to making the world that little bit smaller.

So, the question is; is Facebook harmless? In some senses it absolutely is but I do have one concern and this is something that has been on my mind for a while. To what extent are the friends we are sharing information with, actually our friends? One parent told me a couple of weeks ago that her daughter (who is about to go on Israel tour) now has 1,000 fb friends. That is 1,000 people knowing that she is nervous about her forthcoming drama exam, that she is delighted to be on tour 2 and that she is looking forward to her friend sleepover at the weekend because the said friend’s parents are away. Are these 1,000 friends going to wish her luck and tell her she’s amazing at drama? Are they going to tell her that tour 2 is indeed the tour to be on? Are they going to turn up at the sleepover? Who knows? The parent wasn’t delighted that their child was so popular but was concerned that the 1,000 friends were people she didn’t know and people her daughter barely knew. But although she barely knew them, they knew that she loved listening to glee on Spotify, that she supports spurs (kind of) and that she is a big fan of One Tree Hill. Is this OK?

As a parent of children who have not yet discovered facebook do I become one of those parents who ban their children from it and hope that they don’t then develop this secret life? Do I allow my children to enter the world of social media expecting that they make sensible decisions regarding giving out personal information; Or do I just close my eyes and hope for the best?

I suppose, the facebook issue and friends issue is an issue that should be discussed at ante-natal classes. It is OK to want to punch the child who snatched your child’s favourite toy at the toddler group (as long as you don’t actually do it). It is OK to want to follow your children into school on their first day and ensure that they eat all their lunch without you having to negotiate the nature of desert should they eat all their vegetables. Is it OK to cry when your children go off to camp for the first time (although not in front of them) and it is OK to insist that you know who your children’s friends are. My parents used to insist that they would pick me up rather than let me get a taxi and when I started driving they insisted that I had to call them if I was going to be later than a certain time (obviously the one time I didn’t they were sitting anxiously at the bottom of the stairs obviously wondering what ditch I was lying in!) And although I resented it at the time, in hindsight their behaviour was completely normal and OK.  I will be happy to pick my kids up from a party at midnight because it will mean that I know where they are.

In the world of social media and virtual community, we are more worried about our children than ever. However, that doesn’t mean we have to hark back to the simpler days of when we were young or just pretend that this world that your child is a part of doesn’t exist. What we must do is protect them and urge them to express caution when revealing information about themselves online. But what else should we do? Ensure we do exactly the same.