In December 2011, I was privileged
to meet Rabbi Phyllis Sommer, one of the Rabbi’s at Temple Am Shalom in Illinois.
Rabbi Sommer is one of a relatively small but growing group of US Rabbi’s who
are working tirelessly to encourage communities to send their kids to camp
during the summer. Many of the things she said in our conversation resonated
with me in terms of what I could take back to my community but also what she
said about being a parent and how we use our own experiences to make choices for our children in the hope they will do better than we did. What I have learnt since, is that my children live in an entirely different world to me and my husband. The world is smaller and more open than ever and our children live in a society where everything is a race.
This week, my son came home with his first school report. Now
obviously we think our kids are particularly spectacular but it is somewhat of
an ego boost when other people comment to that effect regarding your kids. During
a week in Tuscany for a family wedding, our relatives, young and old would say
to us; “aren’t they good”, “don’t they get on well” with looks of incredulity
on their faces because two boisterous boys clearly couldn’t be counted onto behave.
But they did. They coped with the late nights, the adult conversations, the
hanging around because it took an hour for all the family to get anywhere and
we were proud. We congratulated ourselves on having such wonderful children,
who miraculously were able to behave in restaurants, be quiet during the chupah
and smile when the photographers were taking their one millionth photo.
OJ’s school report seemed to
confirm what we already knew; that he was a quiet, good natured boy who acted
compassionately and with respect towards his peers and teachers therefore
making him popular with everybody. He is a boy who enjoys school, shows commitment
to learning and self discipline. This is nothing we don’t already know but to
hear it from someone else is mind-blowing. Do I want to shout it from the
rooftops I asked my colleague and friend, Rachel the following day? Do I want
to be one of those parents who tell everyone, how wonderful and advanced he is
at the tender age of 5 (even though as a newborn he had a fairly dodgy start).
Do I want to tell my family, my friends and my community that he is the Moses
they are looking for? Do I want to become the parent who declared that their
child slept through at four weeks, or who sat up at three months and walked at
eight? Do I want to be the parent who brags to the point where I put such
a tremendous amount of pressure on the child to be perfect that I cause him to
rebel?
As parents living in a competitive,
busy and driven world where educational, financial and social success means
everything are we damaging our children by singing their praises to the world? Rabbi
Sommer told me that her greatest parenting achievement was being told by one of
the counsellors (youth leaders) on Camp Osrui[i],
that her son was becoming a mensch. As she said it she became emotional and I
thought that is all I want my kids to be. Sure, I want OJ to be a rabbi (I think
singing the Shema to himself whilst he is on the toilet might be a good sign!)
or a doctor (he has diagnosed me with several ailments including a broken leg!)
Sure, I want OJ to do well at school and not struggle with algebra, French or
Art as I did. However, what do I want most? I want him to be a good person,
someone who is happy in their own skin, someone with the confidence to do what
is right (even if it is not popular)... in short a mensch! If his school report
is anything to go by, he might actually become one.
So how did we react to this
school report? After speaking to our parents and deciding to scan it so we
could email a copy to OJ’s aunt who is on a ten month honeymoon with her new
husband, we gave him a kiss and told him we loved him at that we were proud to
be his mum and dad. There were no gifts or expensive gestures. It was business
as usual... after all should we reward our lovely boy for being himself or just
expect it?
[i]
Osrui is a URJ camp situated in the wilds of Wisconsin, USA. For more information
please visit www.osrui.urjcamps.org
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